Recalcitrant

I must admit I have been a bit slack in my blogs lately. So much is happening I often have trouble coping with the day to day stuff. My new office is challenging to a point where I often fail to take time out. In all of my writings about stress and the need to take time out to smell the roses, doing all that in reality takes a back step. It took a friend to say "what is happening, I haven't seen many blogs from you" to give me bit of a wake up call. Do you ever get the feeling that time is just running away from you? Well, that is how I am feeling with life at the moment. I go home with so many work things swimming in my head, and wake to a new day to simply start again in "catch up" mode.

Today I had "Part II" of my review. The first part was taken at my "old" office. It was lovely to catch up with people, to touch base. I still miss the old team on a daily basis. Part II was undertaken in my "new" office. The same company, just a different team, different dymanics, different client base. I was told in no uncertain circumstances that I "must" take a lunch break. With the necessity of trying to get a "caseload" under control I am struggling to get it together. The admin in itself is horrendous (gotta love those government contracts and their administrative nightmares). Working with a population of people who suffer from such barriers as homelessness and drug addiction, to get them to come in for a chat is a challenge in itself. With each non-attendance requires follow-ups (x2) then reporting. This can consume a big part of the day. Simply getting a hold of someone who lives in a railway yard (under deception of course) poses a huge challenge. To cut their payments can cut their means of survival. It is however, a necessity under our contract. So I spend a majority of my day on the phone trying to get people. Me and answering machines are best friends. Being on the end of abusive streams of language is also a daily part of my job. Lucky for me I have a thick skin.

In my review today we talked about KPI's. Most people are familiar with this little acronym. Key Performance Indicators. The people I deal with are the "hard cases" of society. I am expected to get them into work. They cannot sustain stable accommodation, how can they be expected to sustain a job. Whilst I view the KPI's as pie in the sky stuff, they may just be manageable. "Refer" so many people to jobs. Why do this if they are incapable of basic life skills? Often the voices in their heads prevent the ability to have a "normal" life. When working in such an industry you tend to develope a cynical sense of humour. You run on the perception that they all lie, until proven different. If you expect the worst, sometimes the good can be a startling surprise. All in all it reinforces my appreciation of how fortunate I am in life. I might not have alot, but what I have is very precious. I have my sanity (albeit a bit tricky on some days), and in comparison to those I work with, I am a mile ahead of them. I have a roof over my head, something so tenuous it needs to be appreciated. I have food in my stomach, when I could so easily be hungry. I have clothes on my back, and more than one days worth - something many of my people don't have. So I appreciate what I have. It could so easily be different. Maybe the gods are smiling on me, cause it could all change very quickly.

I am reaching a cornerstone in my life. I have an accute awareness of how fortunate I am. I have many things to aim for, and many I will never achieve. I would love to have the security of my own property, to provide me with something in my old age. I have chosen to educate my babies, in the hope that their life will be just a bit more comfortable than my own. Regardless of whether it pays off or not, I know I will bless each day I have on this earth. I am amazed I have lasted this long, someone must be watching over me. I thank them for helping to give me the strength to come out of my dark days, to once again appreciate what I have. On my journey I have encountered those who pretended to support me in the dark days, only to go running when they actual occur. For them I feel sorry, for their inability to persevere and support means they miss out on the good bits. While I champion on, they remain the same without growth, growth of character and strength. I feel the clock ticking down. I wish I could identify what that feeling is within me, the feeling of early demise. I hope those I leave behind will survive. I hope they celebrate their association with me, I don't want a sad farewell. I want people to celebrate the smiles I brought to their lives. I insist that they share a lovely red, they might even dare to have a dark & stormy. I hope they appreciate that while I am no-one special, I have brought something special to their lives. Even if it is a simple smile, that in itself is special.