A Dose of Family

As the time draws near for my impending visit to family, I begin to count down the days. I know I am going to a place that will be cold, and I hate the cold. However, having had a roller-coaster ride emotionally for the last 12 months I have a need for a "dose of family". Family can sometimes be overwhelming, and sometimes smoothering, but when you are one of the younger ones I guess that is a normal state of affairs. Even when I am sitting in the retirement home, on mushy food, I will still be baby sister. Despite having been capable at running my own life, having survived many challenges that my other siblings haven't, I will always be little sister. I will never begrudge them for it, cause that is just how life is. I know they know how capable I am, it is just the roles we automatically slot into. We don't even know we do it. The shoe is often on the other foot too. I am totally guilty of slotting into the little sister mode.

This time my "family dose" trip will be a little different. I certainly feel alot more grown up than some of my older siblings. I have this awareness that can sometimes even spook me. While they might perceive me as "little sister", I feel within myself older and more mature. That is not to put them down, but I just feel as if I am "there". Where "there" is is difficult to describe or define. It is a feeling, an awareness of who I am (both mentally and physically), the acceptance of both good and bad in my life. A sense of not being able to control it so much as work with what life gives me, and ensuring that I feel good about it all. I don't think we can control life, but if we can totally enjoy the roller-coaster ride it gives us, then it is worth each breath we breathe. In my work I see so many people who live their lives in a drugged out daze, or through the scary lense of mental illness. How easily life could have chosen me for that path. It is true that we have choices in our lives, but the cards we are dealt with I believe are a little pre-determined. I am 40, am realitvely healthy, have all my mental faculties, and have the basics in life. How lucky am I?

So, I take this awareness with me to visit the family. I will misbehave while I am there, I will enjoy every minute of it. I will come home needing a holiday to recover. And I will on a daily basis thank the stars that I have the life I have. It is this awareness that allows me to admit my misbehaviour and have no guilt what-so-ever. It is all part of that wonderful roller-coaster ride life is taking me on. Besides, it is so cold where I am going I believe I should drink and be merry so I don't freeze my middle-aged butt off!