Thoughts

Appreciation

2007-02-07T14:24:00.000+10:00

This blogg is written during a recovery period. Recently I had major abdominal surgery. The recovery period estimated by the doctors is 6 weeks to 3 months. Bit of a wide window there, but I certainly understand why. I am nearly at the 3 week mark, and am surprised at the slowness of my recovery. Being a person who is normally very active physically, it is a huge challenge to be stopped. It was day 2 before I even got out of bed, and that was a dodgey experience to say the least. I am up and walking now, but slowly, and for short distances. For a person who used to pound out at least 2-3km on a morning run, I now am very pleased with myself when I can walk 100m and return. Even if I achieve that I am down for a nap that afternoon. As my frustration builds with being limited in movement, I have gained a new appreciation of all things physical.

Only this week was I able to pick something up off the floor when dropped, previously it just had to stay there until one of my children could pick it up for me. I still cannot lift anything of substantial (or even minimal) weight. I rely on my children to cook and clean for me, to do the laundry, to put the recliner back to it's upright position. While it is nice having the children do things for me, I have found a shocking adult habit - they just don't do it as well as us adults do (cooking, cleaning etc). I cannot reprimand them for it, for it would be ungrateful for all they are doing for me. If I nicely suggest, they get very defensive. So, for me it is a learning curve to just let it be. So what if things aren't done to my standard - the world will not stop turning or implode. Given society and teenagers today, I am very fortunate that they are capable of doing all the domestic chores required for adult survival.

I am attempting to learn patience, this being my only downfall. I have many wonderful qualities, but patience just isn't one of them. This I feel is a social thing - for each time the phone rings I struggle to pick it up on time. People who are ringing me must be patient, I am walking at a pace that pensioners would rejoice at - they would certainly win a race with me at the moment. And for heaven's sake I wish people would leave a message. We live in a society of voicemail - use it. When I do eventually get to the phone I can return your call. I so look forward to moving at my normal pace, to getting out and doing my morning run, doing some decent laps in the pool, driving the car without pain, getting out and dancing the night away. Only 2.4 months to go!!! Yahoo!!! I just hope my patience doesn't dry up before then. I will never again take my physical state for granted.

The Year in Review - 2006

2006-12-08T20:03:00.000+10:00

2006 - What a year. It is now December and I find myself reflecting on the year. It certainly has been quite a year. I have loved and lost, been to the depths and back. I don't feel as though I have totally recovered, and have a gut feeling I won't (wish I could though). I have, on many events witnessed re-inforcement of my "live life" philosphy though. Death, illness and difficult times have surrounded so many of my friends. Has this year just been a challenging one, or is that just my perception. Is there a rewind button we could hit, to maybe try to recover some of the regrets? I don't think so. So, I feel an intense need to say goodbye to 2006, and hope, once again, that the new year will bring in some positives.

I sense that it might, however doubt always sneaks in. How much validity do we give our gut feeling? I used to live by it, however in recent times the gut feeling has proven to be a little less reliable than normal. It has lead me from trouble to worse. In the fight for what seems right, came an even higher level of grief. Yet the nagging gut feeling remains. Possibly my vision is blurred by the emotional, however the gut feeling remains regardless of all sensibility. Despite all efforts, the situation is haunting. In many previous haunting situations, they have only been brief. This one however is remaining. A strange sense of inevitibility hangs over me. I have tried everything in my power to shake it. Professional tactics and all have not worked. If only our gut feelings came with words. A quick flash of text in front of our eyes - would that not be easier? Although then we would question our possibility of mental illness. Illusions or delusions - what makes the difference? Hallucinations the text would appear as, and in my line of work I would be looking for the first therapist on the block. Burnout! would be the first cry. Maybe burnout from a year of too many events.

In a sense of negativity this year will pass. Is it only 3 weeks we have left? In an age where time runs by us at such a quick blink of the eye, one would think the next 3 weeks would fly. In such a travesty as to wish time away, I find myself doing that on a daily basis. The sense of escape has been all too strong this year. I have the means, but finding the company has been the difficult part. I almost had it there, but doubted the veracity of it. It was offered in humour I suspect, however in truth it would have been accepted. There is running away, there is escapism, there is avoidance. Each of these serve a purpose, and I believe, can be positive. I think I have been a master of all of these, but have, in the last decade, come to identify each of them for what they are, and the purpose each has served in my life. I no longer run, I no longer avoid, I am however guilty of escapism. If we cannot get time out (the same as escaping), then we fall into the unhelpful trap of burnout. Is it just us women who fall victim to this nasty phenomenon? Are we creatures of giving, and as such have little for ourselves? Is it society that has us trained to do so, or is it the downside of our maternal position? Those initial months where a baby is so totally dependent on us, do we simply fold and give into the expected selflessness of our position. Coupled or not, with children we are required to sacrifice our own desires for others. Does this then transpire to other people in our lives? Do we grow out of it? I think so. I have an increasing sense of selfishness as each year passes. This is in tune with the growing independence of my dependents. My intolerance of dependence is reflective in my relationships with the other gender. Too much dependence and I will run for a mile. Do not depend on me - I have had enough of that. Allow me my freedom and I will stay. Is that a contradiction? Possibly, but I think it is reflective of the era I am in. So, Mr Independence, stop this foolishness and come to your senses. I am so sick of the gut feeling haunting me. Return and I will at least have a day without nausea. I know you won't crowd me, won't demand too much, won't suffocate me. How do I know this? Trust me - a decade or so of gut feelings - I finally have it figured.

Says Who?!

2006-07-28T23:07:00.000+10:00

This blog I guess is bit of a whinge. I am normally very accepting of people's views, their life perspectives, but I find myself less and less tolerant lately when it comes to people telling me what I need in my life.

In the last month I have had people dear to me tell me what is best for me. I know it is from their perspective, their experiences. But really, what makes that applicable to my life. The current, and often reoccuring topic is that of relationships. I once again find myself single. And, after 9 years of single life (with intermittent dates here and there, even the odd short term relationship) I have decided that I would prefer to have someone to do things with. I love independence, but really self naval gazing only lasts so long. And those people who have so intently embarked on the "you are better off single" routine are starting to annoy the heebies out of me. This is coming from people who are either childless or in a relationship. And from past experience they generally either gather in "couple groups" or with other singles. Now, hanging with singles are ok, if they have kids and understand the inability to pop out to a club on short notice. But honestly, I don't know one of those. All my friends are in couples. Most of them tell me how terrible it is. Well, give me some of that terrible, if it is so bad why the hell are they still in the relationship?

I have this incredible desire to live life. News from the doc this week has shortened my life a bit, so that desire has just strengthened a little bit more. I have so much to do, and need to make sure I make the most of my time here living life to the full. To do otherwise is a shame, a travesty. And, here I have people dear to me telling me I should not worry about my natural instinct to spend my life with some one special. It is natural for us humans to have affection and desire. So to give up on that would be a travesty. So, to those who tell me how terrible it is to be in a relationship ....... live what you preach ........ be single and not worry about the desire for affection. After all, isn't that what they say you should do? Alternatively, they can pull their heads in, and appreciate what they have. Cause really they are lucky.

Living a Dream

2006-07-21T23:10:00.000+10:00

How is it that we can live a dream? We spend a large proportion of our lives striving for a dream, and when we get there we wonder whether it is actually happening. I have aimed for a particular job for about 17 years now. I finally have reached that job, and even after working in that job I still feel like it is a dream. How can a person be so amazed after 2 months in the job? I still find a buzz each day. Is this how it really is when you realise the dream? I guess it is. Do you ever wake up? I hope not. I am loving the dream, and need to pinch myself each day that it is happening. As with all jobs I do sometimes go home and think "I am totally over it", however when the people walk in my little office I get that energy once again.

I work in the helping field. I deal with people who have too many issues to work. Whether it be drug addiction, mental illness, alcohol dependence or disability, I am there to deal with it. You spend the majority of the day trying to motivate people to see the sun in the day. When you get a small win, you feel absolutely over whelmed. To be emotionally moved by other people's minor successes may seem minimal, but when you see so much struggling it is inspiring. We take for granted that smile we unconsciously put on our faces. To some it is a hard earned reward - a simple smile. My smile is unconscious - how lucky am I!

Time Past

2006-06-30T22:59:00.000+10:00

Wow. Such a long time since I last posted. So much has happened I honestly don't know where to begin. Relationship past. What a blow out. We search for something, think we have found it, but alas it escapes us.

Life in the last week has provide alot to think about. People who give up on life, people who crave things in life, but cannot reach it.

Life is very fragile. It is easily given, it is easily taken away. Last week a friend tried to end their journey. I see so much promise for them. They are so trapped. I wish I could show them what promise there is, but they need to see it for themselves. They could so eaily have chosen a different path. They feel trapped or do they? They tell me one thing, and live another. I want to help them as I am a helper. But I realise that I cannot help them. I know that if they only have the courage to pick another they could realise happiness outside of materialism. We cannot help them though. They need to chose that path themselves. They stand to lose all material possessions, only to gain non-possessive benefits. Society is so materially focused though that they will never see. It is one of those things that life sends you to test you. It is testing them. I can see it, but they can't. That is their undoing.

I had a friend lay a guilt trip on me recently. Her partner tried to end his journey, and it was my fault because I had the guts to tell the truth. I told the truth to her, not to him. He knows the truth, yet does not have the strength to make a choice. I guess if he chose her she would destroy him. If he chose me, which I am not looking for, then he would lose all things material. I cannot take responsibility for that. So I have stepped back. I have denied my natural tendancy to help people. If I stay involved I will be destroyed. I have spent a large portion of my life trying to stay afloat, trying to survive for my children's sake. I have battled all sorts of adversity, and I am not about to let a spoilt little child (in adult form) drag me down even further. She has the uncanny ability to destroy people. I will not join that. She will destroy her partner though. Unless of course he has the strength to leave all that material wealth behind, and salvage his mental health.

I have made a vow to myself. No matter what adversity is put in front of me, I will not drag others down. I will respect other people, and how they think. I will look at the sun each day and thank the heavens that I am alive, I have food in the house, and I have people who love me unconditionally. I treat people with respect for who they are. In my everyday work I see people who are on the dark side. I don't need them in my personal life.

Long Time No Blog

2006-02-25T21:29:00.000+10:00

Well, it has been a couple of months now, and I find myself drawn to put in words where my head is at. I could say I have been exceptionally busy lately, but then again so can we all. I can't even remember the last theme I was running with. So I guess a new topic, if it actually is new, is due.

Life in the new millenium is incredibly busy. I don't think I have had one night where I can say I have just sat back an relaxed. Already 2006 is proving to be a challenging year. I thought I had all the challenging years behind me. But, no, I find another to deal with. My heart is currently with a good friend of mine. Used to be a best friend until her marriage, and then I had to graciously take a back step as the husband is now the significant other in her life. She lost her father. I thought I was ripped off losing parents in my 30's. She is in her 20's and her father just suddenly dropped dead. Quite eerie as it turns out. She was on her way to visit, got off the plane and got a call that he had passed away that morning (or night before). He had worked like a demon to get the place ready for his little girl to visit, just never got to say welcome home. I found myself devestated as he was a very quiet person to deal with, but he always remembered me. In my hiatis after my own father's passing, I had not kept in contact. But even when I rang recently he knew exactly who it was on the phone, and was as lovely spoken as he had always been. A man of few words, but when he did speak it was with a smile and a little bit of cheekiness. I found myself suddenly in caring mode. I knew the devestation my friend was feeling. To lose a parent early is something that you can't quite explain to people. You feel cheated. You feel normal social interaction as just "too difficult". People want to tell you how much they care, but you are in a tiny little hole, that only others who have been there can understand. You totally reassess life. You suddenly see what is important and what isn't. I think only people who have lost can understand your clarity of life. The funeral was something else. I am not a public crier, so it was difficult for me. My pain was the loss of a gentle loving man, but also one for my friends. His wife who is widowed at such a young age.

It has brought clarity, yet again, to the important things in life. We spend so much time working and recovering from work, that we forget to stop and smell the flowers. I feel changes in my work coming (just waiting for that phone call). I certainly have changes in my life. A new man on the scene. He is so nice. A gentleman if ever I met one. He actually opens car doors for me. I thought the day of the gentleman was long gone. We struggle to organise outings as both of us have pretty much sat at home for 8 years. I think, well I hope, we will settle into some sort of comfortable routine of spending time with each other doing ordinary things (watching dvd's), and spending time with our children. I plan to talk to him about that tomorrow. It would be nice if this could continue. I need a bit of positive. It would outweigh all the challenging bits that have come to me in this short year. An update may be coming, but then again maybe I will be too busy to sit down and do a blog. My lack of blogs could be the indicator for a positive future. We will see with time I guess.

Is it Xmas Already!!!

2005-12-23T20:37:00.000+10:00

I can't believe xmas is here already. It feels like yesterday that I was planning the new year. I wonder how much we can plan our year. I had wonderful perceptions on how 2005 would be. Surely it can't be as bad as 2004? I have figured out that each year has the capacity to out-do the year before. I, once again, will say bring on the new year as it can't be as bad as the last. And each year previous has shown its capacity to out-do the year before. I will still, however, continue to welcome in the new year. I am an eternal optimist, and with that comes an eternal faith (albeit misguided) that the next year is going to be fantastic. And when challenging events are placed in your way you start out by saying "that's ok, it is a challenge I can meet, look what I have endured already". By the end of the year you are saying "ok, I have had enough of this, I NEED SOME POSITIVE".

So ....... Hello 2006, I know you will hold challenges, but surely you can't be as bad as 2005?! The eternal optimist in me says that 2006 will be full of wonderful experiences, wonderful love, and wonderful people. The pessimist says .... "watch out". Oh dear!

How do I feel?

2005-12-09T22:39:00.000+10:00

It has been a while since my last blog. A sign of the time of year I guess. Everyone is busy, everyone has something to do, somewhere to go. I know now why they call it the "silly season". There is so much on, even keeping diary is difficult. With so much on my head is spinning. Today I got news that just kept that spinning feeling going, albeit a bit faster than normal. It all started a month or two ago. I received an email from a sibling who I have been estranged from. I have been concerned about why. After all these years, why has he suddenly decided I am worthy of his communication? Today it all fell into place. Although the outfall is I don't know what to think or how to feel. I met for lunch, a public place where all would be good if it all went askew. It didn't go askew, and I began thinking of how silly family splits can be. Then he dropped the bomb-shell. He has a terminal disease. It all makes sense now why he contacted me, why he wanted to meet, why he was so eager to part with Mum's painting.

I don't know how I should feel. We haven't talked for about 5 years now. The parting was pretty nasty, and bad blood stayed a while. When I saw him it was like we never stopped talking. Will I see him again? That is debatable. I am trying to process it, just don't know how. I am pretty good with dealing with things. I the last couple of years the family has been through a shit-load of crap. And it just keeps on piling. This is the 3rd cancer diagnosis in 18 months. It is all kind of surreal. It doesn't feel real, it (scary enough as it is), is becoming par for the course. What else can fate throw our way. I feel as if I should cry, but kinda just feel neutral. Is it because we have been estranged, or is it because of my familiarity with this sort of news. How can you become blase with mortality. I know we are all mortal, but we all like to think it is a long way off. Not in our mid-life. How many more in my family are going to fall victim? Will I be one of them? On a weekend where I was going to do mindless stuff, suddenly with one sentence it has changed. When I figure out how I feel I guess I can move on from this point. Til then I guess I will continue to process, to try to "put it in a box", or to try to figure out how I am going to cope with it all.

Yet Another Full Moon

2005-11-18T20:42:00.000+10:00

Well, another week of another full moon. The characters were certainly out in force, with work just that little bit more interesting. It is generally a full-moon-week were you will find the crew at the pub after work. The temptation to stay is there, however reality kicks in and I am drawn back to home. I love and adore my children, but sometimes feel the responsibility of parenting just a little too much. Does that make me a bad person? No, it doesn't. It make me a person who spends the majority of her life looking after others. As a sole parent you are doing the work of two people. Sure, the other parent is in the picture, but they certainly don't do twice the parenting work. They are inevitably the "fun" parent. Normally responsbility is my middle name, but sometimes I wish I could escape all that and just be me. I know the time will come, for I only really have about 4 more years of parenting full-on to do. Then I guess I will not know what to do with myself (or so people say). I can uncategorically say I will know what to do with myself. I have so many things I want to do, but just don't get the time to. There is so much in life I have put on hold, I am just busting to do now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is getting to the stage where I am not sure which one to start first. Do I go with the latin dancing first? That will surely let all the energy I have stored up explode into expression. Do I join the dinner parties for singles I see advertised? That will bring the "meeting new people" activity I love so much. Do I step up my attendance at the gym? A badly needed activity now that gravity and I are such good friends. I will probably do all at once, and then complain that I never have time to just sit and "smell the roses".

It has been a very interesting 7 days. One of my best friend's wedding finally arrived. It has been a busy couple of months helping her through the stages to make the wonderful day arrive. All rewarding I might add. The day finally arrived, and what a day. I had an absolutely fantastic time. One of the few weddings I have been to where I appreciated being single. I could go out for a smoke whenever I wanted to, I could harrass the boys whenever I wanted to. I could dance with whoever I wanted to, and I could talk to whoever I wanted to. I want to thank the absolutely gorgeous young man who saw fit to boost my ego. You are a darling, but for the life of me I can't see what a man in his 20's would want with a wonderful woman in her 40's. A quicky out the back? I am sorry, I am worth so much more than that. A cheeky young fella you are, however please evaluate the package before you make an assumption. For the equal aged fella - it is interesting that you find me so intimidating. Having worked in male dominated area's I find it interesting that you guys whinge that you never know what is on a woman's mind. And yet when you find one who is up front and honest you find it intimidating. Please make your mind up. And you say women are fickle - oh dear. Well, I guess you will sort it out eventually. In the mean time I will continue my emotional love affair with Michael Buble. Yet another Friday night and I find myself with Michael. Such a sexy, sensual sounding man. Too good to be true I am sure.

Me & Michael Buble

2005-11-04T22:21:00.000+10:00

Friday night cruising with Michael Buble. I do feel remiss as I haven't sat down to "blogg" it out recently. Do you ever get the feeling that everything is just so busy that you wish you had a magic wand to slow things down so you can simply chill out and re-focus? I have had one of those months. So tonight I am devoting my time to chilling and reflecting. Time out. Something I haven't had much of. I have a dear friend's wedding approaching, and while it is just so wonderful, it is a stark reminder that somethings in live are just way to busy. I never remember having so much busy stuff with my wedding. Have things changed, or has my memory just dulled. I somehow think it is the latter.

Anyway, Michael Buble. How cruisy is this guy, yet he can get up and swing severely. Wouldn't it be lovely to have the best of both worlds in life. I could certainly do with a fella like Michael. I love his sultry tunes, his sensuality, and at the same time his total ability to let his joy out. I often listen to his music on the train going to work and back again (the commuter's essential tool - a walkman or MP3 player). The number of times I would just love to get up and let that good mood out, to dance and have a very postive vent. Of course, society would frown, so I am relegated to tapping my feet and swinging a little in my seat. You do get looks, people who wonder what sort of substance you are on. Has it never occured to them that life is just pretty cool, and it is good to let that good stuff show. I guess not. Maybe they are not in such a positive place. I have had so many positive things happen lately that sometimes I just feel like sharing my happiness with the world. Today I received a drawing of my Dad. Background info - I know of this fellow who can take a photo and do a pencil drawing that looks like a photo. I gave him a poor copy of a photo, and the resulting drawing is just so amazing. It totally captures my Dad. Expression and all. So much so that I got a tear in my eye to see it. I am sure my Dad is watching and feeling very proud. The photo is to be used on the cover of a book of my Dad's stories. He liked to write little stories. Some people might get nothing from them, but to me there are so many deep messages in each that I absolutely honoured to have been a child of his. He had a tough life, but never once in my memory caved from it all. Even in his last few days he remained a very courageous man. A man who you can draw strength from, where you feel that your lot is pretty minor. He survived WWII in the jungle. Alot of people talk about Vietnam, very few talk about New Guinea. Jungle warfare is very much about mental warfare. He survived, malaria and all. He continued to work hard all his life, even when suffering from pain that would have most of us caving. So, when I think about my bothers, I know they are very minor. His stories show a little of what he experienced, and idea of the harshness of live in the mid 1900's. Now we are in a new millenium, and really we have it pretty good. Can anyone imagine surviving on a tin of bully beef, and a cigarette or two each day. A cuppa of tea was a luxury, a biscuit that wasn't stale ..... heaven.

So, me and my glass of wine and Michael Buble are in just heaven. I have a few jazz cd's, and it is hard to pick the best. Michael comes close because he adds the absolute joy of the little things in life. Little to us, but major to others of another time. So, I will refill my glass and have toast to my darling Dad. I know you are looking on, I hope with pride. And when I get up and dance around the house to one of Michael's swing songs, please don't fret ... I am simply loving the lot I ahve been given. Not too shabby!

Weddings

2005-10-08T22:56:00.000+10:00

Today I did more wedding shopping with one of my best friends. Shoes. You would think a very simple thing. But when it comes to weddings, everything needs to be right. The wedding day is the one day of a girls life where she is the most beautiful. So, to be the most beautiful things need to be just right, or perfect as some would say. I have absolutely no hesitation in supporting women in their quest for the "right" flowers, the "right" dress, the "right" shoes, etc. You can never approach it with a "that will do" attitude. Most brides have in mind what it is they want. And that is the way it should be. It is, after all, their special day. So the sore feet continue in the search for the perfect bits and pieces. I don't recall having so many shopping days when I was preparing for my wedding. Maybe I was lucky and found things easily, or maybe I have forgotten. Either way, it is a wonder journey to take with one of my "besties". I so hope on the day she shines as all brides should. I hope there are not the glitches that most weddings have. I remember the day before my wedding was one of total stress, and the day itself provided plenty of stress. The day before the car hire place burnt down, just as well the owner had decided to take home my cars to have them detailed. The cake lady was in a fluster, and the dress make who was doing alterations could not locate my dress. On the day the hairdresser took an hour more than she should have, and I had 1/2 an hour to dress, make-up, photo's and get to the church. I remember vividly the storm that erupted as the priest was talking about a house built on rock and a house built on sand. Those in the congregation who had little exposure to religion felt it was a sign, those of us just thought it was the rain that was to break a drought, and felt concern over the photo's to follow. 10 years later it was proven that it surely was a sign. It was a house built on sand.

I used to say that I would NEVER get married again. However, over the last year I have made the grand decision that I just might get married again. I would, however, do it very differently next time. I would not go for the traditional stuff, I would have a stunning dress, however it will be alot more relaxed. I figure you never know what life will throw at you. I am a person, in my own mind anyway, that deserves the best. I know I deserve a lovely house, a nice car, beautiful jewellery, and my favourite perfume that costs a pretty penny. Life however has not provided me with the things I deserve. It has instead provided me with many learning experiences that have shown me another form of riches. I treasure those riches I have, but still feel out of sync with having to penny pinch and make many sacrifices. I don't fret over my lot, I have a wonderful feeling that the fine things I would like are yet to come. I have done the hard yards, and I can feel that my life is starting to take on board many exciting experiences. Do you ever get that feeling that something wonderful is coming, and the waiting just about kills you? That is my daily lot. I can feel it coming, it just hasn't arrived yet. I know that some amazing people are going to enter my life, and they too will share in the wonderful people I already have. Life is so short, and so precious, we must make the most of it. In years previous I could not see the sunshine coming, however, after turning 40 I can just about feel it arriving. I hope it does soon, cause I feel I am about to burst with anticipation. Today I saw a dress. It un-nerved me. Not being a dress sort of person, that is truly weird. I just know it is in my future. And given it is a wedding dress, it kind of blows away my "never" theory/stance. In the last year I have had some very strong un-nerving feelings. And generally they provide something powerful and significant. I can't identify the feelings when they come, but can match them to the event when it happens. It is only with powerful experiences that this occurs. I knew before my father told me he was dying. I knew what he was dying of, and I was pretty close in my estimation of time. In the last week I have had a few, quite a few. So I know that soon some big things are going to happen. The anticipation is killing me, I know the events are just around the corner. The bad events have already happened, and I just know these recent feelings are of a good nature. So, fate, please pull your finger out and get a move on. This little lady is ready for the wonderful roller-coaster ride.

Yet Another Saturday Night

2005-10-01T22:52:00.000+10:00

I find myself yet again falling into the Saturday night ritual. A glass of red, a signing in to MSN to see who is there (no one tonight), and reflection over the week past. I think I might have done that in the last blog, however today has provided more fodder for thought. I had put aside today for a dear friend to help with yet more wedding shopping. Unfortunately I spent the day waiting as she got side-tracked and couldn't make our planned day. I feel a little annoyed, yet at the same time chastise myself for being annoyed. She got busy. These things happen, however I find myself thinking over the things I could have done instead of waiting. With my recent trip away I find plenty to do on the home-front. The garden resembles a bed of weeds, as opposed to the planned bed of flowers. My constant struggle with invading grass and weeds has me forever feeling guilty about the lack of time I spend keeping it in track. I guess there are more important things, however it remains a constant task that I rarely attend to.

I have, whilst playing multiple games of spider solitare, mulled over the things in my life that really need attention (as opposed to my bed of weeds). In general things are pretty good. I have a roof over my head, food in my pantry, and clothes on my back. What more can a person ask for? Well, plenty. Over the last couple of months I have had a real awakening to life. Medical investigations provide evidence that life is short, and one must make the most of every precious minute we have. I look at the "I'm not sure how to categorise" man in my life. I have indicated my desire for something a bit more solid, and yet I am left with a feeling of inadequacy. I think it might be time to let that one go. How does one meet someone who simply wants to have you in their life? If they are not in a space to accommodate that need, then does one let it go? I think so. Appreciation of where they are at in life is all well and good. However, the forever feeling of impending shortness of time brings me to the point of assessment. Do I communicate that realisation, or do I simply let it be, and not reply/answer future communications. I am not sure. However, I do know that they have had ample opportunity to snaffle me up. And, to be blunt, "you snooze you lose" is definitely the current status. I cannot complain. I have my darling children who provide invaluable company. And I would hate to miss out on someone's intentions, simply because I am waiting for someone to sort out their issues. So tonight I say goodbye to the past, look forward to the future, and hope that this little old maid stumbles across a person who truly craves my attention. Did I meet them today ..... maybe. I guess time will tell. Life is a funny old thing, it presents things when we are least expecting. I do know that the Robyn Hood explanation grabs attention, and remains in peoples minds. If only I could remember his name. Names I am not good at ... bugger it. Oh well, I suspect that things happen for a reason, and today's reason looked rather nice.

Even More Reflections

2005-09-30T22:26:00.000+10:00

After a couple of weeks break, I am yet again back into the rush of things at work. It has been absolutely fantastic to have a break from the every day mayhem that structures my life, however it is even better to get back to the madness that envelopes my every day. I spent 2 week re-visiting my roots. I spent that time totally freezing (never did like the cold weather of southern states), but boosted by the realisation of where I am at in life. I have spent the last 20 or so years visiting family. For the first time I have found that I had a sense of "visiting" as opposed to "returning home". I adore my siblings, and love the connection I feel with each of them. I, however, now more than ever, feel a sense of competency and belonging in a place far removed from them. I was able to adapt to the personalities of each and every one of them, adapting in behaviour as opposed to attitude. I no longer feel the "little sister" that I have for many years. I believe the events of the last 12 months have been the making of me, in maturity more than anything.

I am back now. The first week back at work proved to be challenging to say the least. I should not expect anything different. A further change of staff. Our office is "dynamic" to say the least. However, the residual attitude that has eventuated is disappointing. The people involved have seen the negative effects to a "sour" attitude at work. We all ask "what have I done, I have done nothing to offend this person". However, we are still on the receiving end of the "sour grapes" of a disgruntled employee. It is management that produces these events, however management rarely feel the negative effects. All in all though, we struggle through. This week provided yet more hair-raising events from the resident schizophrenic, and even provided the addition scare of a crazed gun-man. The gun-man was not in the office, however he was in the building. And subsequent reports had me sitting a nice 2 metres from him without even knowing his disturbed state. I am yet to give my report to the police, and in such an area as we work, I feel that any information I may give will be not so useful. It does bring home to you the reality of your mortality. How different it could have been had he turned the gun on me. While my job is challenging to say the least, I have learnt to have an incredible appreciation for the moment, an appreciation that life can be terminated in a split second. And as such some life decisions have evolved. The current state, combined with recent medical reports, has me in a position of "lets maximise life". Recent family medical investigations has my life expectancy reduced. I have two choices - to cave and spend the remainder of my days "woeing" about my sad lot, or I can maximise every crazed moment I have. I work in an insane industry, where stress should be included in the job description. I have spent a considerable number of years on my own, suposedly being "independent". I have said hello to being a "grandma", and to be honest I think that every minute wasted is a criminal offence.

So from this day onwards I am going to "evict" the negatives from my life. I will continue to view life as an amazing picture show, and I will clap and laugh at every appropriate moment (and even some inappropriate moments). I will say good-bye to the men in my life who don't lust after me, and hope that this will make room for the men who just can't get enough of me. I will let go of my children in an effort to make them self-sufficient and independent, because until I do, they will continue to demand my extra time. I love them dearly, but they need to start "flying on their own". This lady is going to grab life by the balls, and enjoy the ride.

Aprehension

2005-09-10T05:58:00.000+10:00

Today is a very strange day. I am returning, finally, to the colder southern state to visit family. While I am desparately looking forward to touching base with my siblings, unbenownst to me I have been very aprehensive about the whole trip. This will be the first trip I take without the presence of my father. I thought I was fully prepared. It will be a trip full of familiar events, yet new experiences. I am the sort of person who loves new experiences. We should have one at least once a day. Life is meant to be full of new things, of learning, of personal growth. It is funny how the subconscious takes over when we least expect it. The last week has been very restless for me. The desparation to have a break from my normally hectic life. A chance to be me, without having to be there for others. Sounds selfish, but I have a life that demands I am there for everyone else, and tend to my own needs "later". While I adore my children, and I like my job, this sort of lifestyle can lead to burn-out easily. I am pretty much "Mum" 24/7, except for 2 days a fortnight. My job seekers expect me to tend to their demands at an instant (despite me reminding them that I have about 100 people to look after in those 7.5 hours a day). Of those 100, I would say 50% are high maintenance, and very challenging. I am a master of deception with those job seekers who generally make other people scream at the mention of their name. I am fortunate as I escape the school demands as I am a "working" mum. So this break is very much needed. A few things have played on my mind with this trip though.

I am a warm climate person. I have very little "padding", and I rush for the jumper when the temp gets below 16. I hate that "fresh" feeling you get when there is a light frost on the ground. I reach for the flannel jarmies when the night temp is going to be below 12. I chose a lifestyle in a sub-tropical environment where I have very little support, and miss my family constantly. So, you can imagine my horror when I see the weather map, and my destination is getting 16 of a day time and 4 overnight. Where I live we are starting to get lovely weather, temps around 25 during the day. In a quick touch-base phone call with a friend who I will be catching up with shortly, I was informed that they have forecast snow for the weekend. It is too late to change the holiday, and anyway I do need to get away and have a break. I need to catch up with family and friends who are dear to me. It is my only chance to catch up with my darling grandson, who I get to see once a year if I am lucky. I need strategies to keep me warm. Having grown up in the colder climate you would think I am well versed in "warming techniques". However, my backpack just won't hold that many clothes! I think the hot water bottle is just going to have to fit. To add more injury, my home departure point is forecast for a lovely 30 degrees. So I will inevitibly steam on the way to the airport, and freeze when I get to my destination. While it is not an ideal start to a holiday, I definitely see the humour in going to the airport with coat, scarf, gloves, boots, in 30 degree heat! The alternative, to dress for my departing weather without consideration to my arrival weather, is just a little to much to bear. I can handle being hot, but the thought of being cold is just too much for me!

The most difficult aspect to my impending trip is the desparate need for a good nights sleep before I get there. I have alot of family to catch up with, and a few select friends who I just want to give a hug to. It will be a busy holiday, although a good busy. No matter how hard I have tried I have been unable to get a good nights sleep. My dreams have been weird to say the least, and in the main part have included my dad. The man I miss on a daily basis, who I know the grieving process will be long for me. In thinking on why he has been so prominant in the exceptionally weird dreams I have been having, I believe it is my subconscious playing out my aprehension. For the better part of 20 years I have visited family with his home as a base. I have been able to spend quality time with him, and with Mum, which has made me feel at ease with "living away". They have generally been a force of reassurance that I am doing ok, and cope ok (despite me thinking otherwise at times). They have given me the reassurance that I am suceeding in raising wonderful children who may just make a difference one day. This trip is different. He won't be there. It took me a while to get used to Mum not being there. Even though, on trips over the last 8 years I would still miss seeing her. The familiar chats around the dining room table won't be there, and the hugs from him won't be there. I generally am travelling well with missing him, I put it in perspective. This however is a new experience that I embark on with trepidation. I normally search out new experiences, and grab them with gusto, and enjoy them. I want it to be a good trip as it is the benchmark for future trips. This visit will determine whether my family is still solid, despite all the attempts of late to shatter the pact. Is it natural for families to drift apart? Only is western society I believe. I want my family to stay "tight". They are all I have. I will try to embark on this holiday with positive thoughts, despite that wretched weather. I will try to tell my subconscious to "knock it off" and allow me to enjoy myself. Before I know it I will be back home, back into the 24/7 parenting, back to the "difficult" job seekers. So I think I need to take this holiday and enjoy it with gusto. It will be another year before I get the chance to visit family. I try very hard to get them to visit up here, although some of them say it is too hot for them. Hmmmm, am I really genetically connected to them? I wonder. Is there a temperature tolerance gene? The weather here is lovely, I don't know what they are talking about. Oh well, that could be an interesting topic to discuss while I am drinking rum to try and get warm!

A Dose of Family

2005-08-26T09:15:00.000+10:00

As the time draws near for my impending visit to family, I begin to count down the days. I know I am going to a place that will be cold, and I hate the cold. However, having had a roller-coaster ride emotionally for the last 12 months I have a need for a "dose of family". Family can sometimes be overwhelming, and sometimes smoothering, but when you are one of the younger ones I guess that is a normal state of affairs. Even when I am sitting in the retirement home, on mushy food, I will still be baby sister. Despite having been capable at running my own life, having survived many challenges that my other siblings haven't, I will always be little sister. I will never begrudge them for it, cause that is just how life is. I know they know how capable I am, it is just the roles we automatically slot into. We don't even know we do it. The shoe is often on the other foot too. I am totally guilty of slotting into the little sister mode.

This time my "family dose" trip will be a little different. I certainly feel alot more grown up than some of my older siblings. I have this awareness that can sometimes even spook me. While they might perceive me as "little sister", I feel within myself older and more mature. That is not to put them down, but I just feel as if I am "there". Where "there" is is difficult to describe or define. It is a feeling, an awareness of who I am (both mentally and physically), the acceptance of both good and bad in my life. A sense of not being able to control it so much as work with what life gives me, and ensuring that I feel good about it all. I don't think we can control life, but if we can totally enjoy the roller-coaster ride it gives us, then it is worth each breath we breathe. In my work I see so many people who live their lives in a drugged out daze, or through the scary lense of mental illness. How easily life could have chosen me for that path. It is true that we have choices in our lives, but the cards we are dealt with I believe are a little pre-determined. I am 40, am realitvely healthy, have all my mental faculties, and have the basics in life. How lucky am I?

So, I take this awareness with me to visit the family. I will misbehave while I am there, I will enjoy every minute of it. I will come home needing a holiday to recover. And I will on a daily basis thank the stars that I have the life I have. It is this awareness that allows me to admit my misbehaviour and have no guilt what-so-ever. It is all part of that wonderful roller-coaster ride life is taking me on. Besides, it is so cold where I am going I believe I should drink and be merry so I don't freeze my middle-aged butt off!

The Year of Firsts

2005-08-16T20:58:00.000+10:00

Tonight closes the year of firsts. Twelve months ago I was trying to come to grips with the passing of my best mate, my Dad. He had filled such a huge role in my life. As an adult I had become to rely on him for advice, as a person who I could share all my highs and lows with. Most in the family had partners with which to bounce things off, I had Dad. I remember vividly the night, and also the days leading to his passing. In the last couple of days I have experienced an exceptionally strong sense of de javu. I could recount my steps almost to the hour. I remember receiving the phone message from a deaf person in the family - to ring urgently. He had been asking after me. I knew for certain that the time was imminent. I had thought that I had said my goodbyes earlier, and I would never see him again. I struggle with the memories of my last meeting with him. They are something I will have to sort out in good time. I will never forget the frail state he was in. I took my children to see him. I have no doubt that it was distressing for them, but had I had not taken them he would leave this world with old memories of them. He got to see them in his last couple of days on this earth. I hope they are good memories he took with him to the pearly gates. I think they were.

The effect on them has been intense. One still struggles with the loss of probably the only man on this earth that truly appreciated who she is. They had an unspoken bond, something I have been intensely proud of. She could not stay for my little ceremony, the lighting of a candle to celebrate our fortune for have someone so amazing in our lives. In her own way she will process it all, and continue on her grieving journey. The other is a bit like me ...... she appears to be strong, but I know the pain is inside. She uses humour as I do to gloss over things, the inside picture is a bit different. I was able to go to work today, something I didn't think I would be able to do. The distraction was good for me. Only at the end of the day did I reveal my day to everyone. And it was only because of the strong protests cause I wouldn't join them for drinks. They were amazed, as much as I was that the day passed uneventfully. I had the normal rush of "difficult" people, managed to calm them down and have them leaving with a smile and a sigh. They can never know the pain I feel inside, that would give them a sign of weakness, something they can use at a later time.

I now ponder on my life to come. Each time I reach for the phone to tell him some exciting bit of news from my otherwise normal household. Each time I remember some funny story he would tell. Each time I remember how much he would tell me how well I was doing, even when I didn't feel as though I was doing well. He always gave me the strength to carry on. He always reassured me when I was wracked with self-doubt. I can honestly say that I have grown over the "year of firsts". I have an inner strength that I know no-one can crush. It is like he is here with me giving me strength. I hope he never leaves me cause I am not sure if I can do it on my own. While I cannot have him physically to talk to, I need him spiritually to help give me strength. So ....... stay with me Dad. Help me get through this quagmire we call life.

Reflecting

2005-08-13T21:23:00.000+10:00

Today I had a celebration of moving into a new decade. While my actual birthday isn't for a week, I have decided to take as many opportunities to celebrate the impending new decade. My 30's have definitely been challenging to say the least. I have witnessed the best and worst of humanity. Through it all I have grown and found a new sense of confidence, and a sense of serenity with where my life is leading me. This past year I have been given many challenges, with which I have been forced to survive. Reflecting back I can confidently say I have survived with a strength I never knew I had. I have never viewed myself as a strong person, but I have to admit I must be because I can still smile and laugh against all odd. I have had people try my sense of self, make me question my worth and my place in the world. I have been caught up in the full range of emotions, and seen a side of friends I never thought I would. With some it has made me question my friendships, with others it has cemented what I already knew.

I can say with confidence that I have survived the passing of my best friend, my confidant, my father. He filled so many roles in my life, when he passed I was numb for so long. I thought I would never survive it, I would never find a person who could measure up. I have not found anyone, but I have also found a sense that while I haven't found them, they are certainly out there. I thought I had found a person who could match the person he was, but in one instance they showed me how different they were from him. Their intolerance would surely have caused me much pain for the time they were in my life. So to a certain extent I have been saved early in the piece. I wish I could let them know their intolerance will only lead to grief in their own lives, but really when I think about it they do not have the mental capcity to understand that. So I will leave them to their intolerance, and thank the heavens that I was saved.

Over the last 12 months I have seen a side to a friend that has disappointed me. They are still a good friend, but now I know the topics I cannot raise with them. It is only out of inexperience that they are the way they are. I see them moving through the same experiences that I have had in the last 12 months, and my heart goes out to them. While I know I can no longer talk to them about my grief, I can see them going down the road of impending grief. I would hate for anyone I care for to experience what I have, you just can't explain the deep wounds you get, and the terribly long process you go through to heal a little each day. I know that I will be there for them, and I will allow them to express their grief ...... it is all you can do to try to exorcise the grief from your heart. I will not avoid them, I will be there for them. When they are feeling numb with disbelief I will let them, and encourage them, to talk. They couldn't do that for me because they had no idea of the intensity of that grief. Unfortunately they are about to realise it, and my heart goes out to them.

On a happier note, I had a few people visit today to celebrate my impending birthday. They have known me for various periods of time. One person has known me for nearly 10 years, another 2 years, another only 3 weeks. I sat back to watch them interact. They had a wonderful time, I think so anyway. While they have all piked and left me to dance solo to my blues and jazz, I am happy they all had a good time. I am more than happy to dance away the night solo, I am certainly used to that. Alot of people did not come to the party, which is ok. They have their own stuff happening, they have plans. I too have plans........ to make the most of every minute. And if that means dancing solo in my own house, so be it. Me and my Dark & Stormy are doing just fine. Michael Buble is crooning away, and I have that sense of serenity yet again. The best pressie ........ a sympathy card! I just love humour, and that one lady provided it. The gestures of the day were so heart warming. An invitation to share a bottle of wine when either of us are not so busy. A very quick visit from a highly knowledgable colleague who insists on calling me sensei. If only he knew how much more he knows than I. The fellow who claims to admire me, when he is so successful and wise in his own right. I wonder what he admires in me. I am still in the planning phase of my life (despite it being half over). A very lovely and serene friend who dropped in despite her busy day. She is definitely my sensei. She professionally taught me all I know in my current field. She has such a very calm aura about her. She is gorgeous both inside and out. The new work colleague who took 2 trains, when she has only known me for a couple of weeks. My friend of many years who, for the day, seemed not so distant. The friend who dropped in despite her child being quite ill. Their individual presence made the day a success. I will continue to celebrate this impending decade with gusto. For the next week I can say I am young, after that I will be middle-aged. Something I take as a badge of honour because I have survived, and I have grown in wisdom to take me through middle age and beyond. I think we should all feel this good!

Scream

2005-08-05T22:14:00.000+10:00

Last week I had an experience that really made me want to scream. A good friend has just got engaged, and is in the process of selecting a dress. A very exciting event you would think. We, unfortunately stumbled on a social disgrace that should be shouted from the mountain tops. My dear friend is what people politely call big. She is one of the most beautiful woman I have met. In trying on dresses I noticed a discrepancy. She would be a size 16 or 18. The dresses she tried on were 24 +. And to make matters worse, some of them were too small. In normal life I get upset with the social pressures for thinness. One would think that when considering weddings that the world would want the bride to feel like a million dollars on the day. The one day where she is the princess and is the most beautiful woman in the world. How is she to feel so special when her dress is labelled a couple of sizes bigger than she actually is. I would love to have a shop where all women sized 16 would fit into a 14, where the dresses had labels like "gorgeous", "stunning" and "wow, what a woman". One would think that on such a special day a woman would be made to feel special.

I get so angry with society with all the waif, and paper thin expectations that they put out there. What ever happened to the "real women" of the world? Art from the 1800's had real women. They had curves and a bit of softness to them. Absolutely nothing like the stick thin norm of today. We have women a size 10 who exclaim that they are "too fat". The mental scars and prolific eating disorders resulting from this are astounding! And I feel very angry that such a dear friend can feel so bad about her "special day". Wouldn't it be lovely to have a social trend going towards the "real women", making the thin people the outsiders. I have no ill feeling towards those who are thin, I am told I am one of them. I just know that of all my friends it is the "normal" women who are the most precious, the most loving, the most understanding, the most beautiful of all. Us women should celebrate our curves. The come from bearing the next generation, from a love of the beautiful things in life (food and wine), and of letting it all hang out. Life is so short, we need to let it all hang out. That way, when we are negotiating with St Peter at the pearly gates we can say that we have lived our lives from within. We have appreciated the beautiful things in life, and have been honest with ourselves. The big thing in life is to be honest to ourselves. Our bodies are simple vehicles for our souls. While the vehicle might change, wear, or erode a bit, the soul is the important bit. It is our soul that makes us who we are. I have come across so many women who are the required size 8 or 10, and to be honest their soul is a hollow shell. Most of my friends are 14 or above, and I can say that I am surrounded by the most beautiful people in the world. Their souls are just amazing, and I am truly blessed to be associated with them.

Society needs to take stock. Lets celebrate the real women of the world. The waifs don't last that long. I mean really, they starve themselves into oblivion. People would be surprised the number of men that say "you need a real woman to cuddle, skin and bones are just too uncomfortable". Makes you think hey.

Recalcitrant

2005-07-29T23:09:00.000+10:00

I must admit I have been a bit slack in my blogs lately. So much is happening I often have trouble coping with the day to day stuff. My new office is challenging to a point where I often fail to take time out. In all of my writings about stress and the need to take time out to smell the roses, doing all that in reality takes a back step. It took a friend to say "what is happening, I haven't seen many blogs from you" to give me bit of a wake up call. Do you ever get the feeling that time is just running away from you? Well, that is how I am feeling with life at the moment. I go home with so many work things swimming in my head, and wake to a new day to simply start again in "catch up" mode.

Today I had "Part II" of my review. The first part was taken at my "old" office. It was lovely to catch up with people, to touch base. I still miss the old team on a daily basis. Part II was undertaken in my "new" office. The same company, just a different team, different dymanics, different client base. I was told in no uncertain circumstances that I "must" take a lunch break. With the necessity of trying to get a "caseload" under control I am struggling to get it together. The admin in itself is horrendous (gotta love those government contracts and their administrative nightmares). Working with a population of people who suffer from such barriers as homelessness and drug addiction, to get them to come in for a chat is a challenge in itself. With each non-attendance requires follow-ups (x2) then reporting. This can consume a big part of the day. Simply getting a hold of someone who lives in a railway yard (under deception of course) poses a huge challenge. To cut their payments can cut their means of survival. It is however, a necessity under our contract. So I spend a majority of my day on the phone trying to get people. Me and answering machines are best friends. Being on the end of abusive streams of language is also a daily part of my job. Lucky for me I have a thick skin.

In my review today we talked about KPI's. Most people are familiar with this little acronym. Key Performance Indicators. The people I deal with are the "hard cases" of society. I am expected to get them into work. They cannot sustain stable accommodation, how can they be expected to sustain a job. Whilst I view the KPI's as pie in the sky stuff, they may just be manageable. "Refer" so many people to jobs. Why do this if they are incapable of basic life skills? Often the voices in their heads prevent the ability to have a "normal" life. When working in such an industry you tend to develope a cynical sense of humour. You run on the perception that they all lie, until proven different. If you expect the worst, sometimes the good can be a startling surprise. All in all it reinforces my appreciation of how fortunate I am in life. I might not have alot, but what I have is very precious. I have my sanity (albeit a bit tricky on some days), and in comparison to those I work with, I am a mile ahead of them. I have a roof over my head, something so tenuous it needs to be appreciated. I have food in my stomach, when I could so easily be hungry. I have clothes on my back, and more than one days worth - something many of my people don't have. So I appreciate what I have. It could so easily be different. Maybe the gods are smiling on me, cause it could all change very quickly.

I am reaching a cornerstone in my life. I have an accute awareness of how fortunate I am. I have many things to aim for, and many I will never achieve. I would love to have the security of my own property, to provide me with something in my old age. I have chosen to educate my babies, in the hope that their life will be just a bit more comfortable than my own. Regardless of whether it pays off or not, I know I will bless each day I have on this earth. I am amazed I have lasted this long, someone must be watching over me. I thank them for helping to give me the strength to come out of my dark days, to once again appreciate what I have. On my journey I have encountered those who pretended to support me in the dark days, only to go running when they actual occur. For them I feel sorry, for their inability to persevere and support means they miss out on the good bits. While I champion on, they remain the same without growth, growth of character and strength. I feel the clock ticking down. I wish I could identify what that feeling is within me, the feeling of early demise. I hope those I leave behind will survive. I hope they celebrate their association with me, I don't want a sad farewell. I want people to celebrate the smiles I brought to their lives. I insist that they share a lovely red, they might even dare to have a dark & stormy. I hope they appreciate that while I am no-one special, I have brought something special to their lives. Even if it is a simple smile, that in itself is special.

Resolution

2005-07-22T22:09:00.000+10:00

In the last week resolution has happened. I can feel the weight lifting as I type. The powers to be have forced our hands, and finally the estate matters that have weighed on us (my family) for the last months are coming to an end. Is this why I feel a sense of closure? Maybe. I have thought of my dear Dad alot lately. With so many moves happening with my career (all very mind blowing), he would have been the first I would have told. He travelled the road of learning with me, through every writers block when an assignment came up. With every frustration that tertiary study brings. The maddening efforts of trying to study for exams while you have kids running around your feet. Why couldn't the schools and universities synchronise exams and term times to run together? An age old question for many tertiary students! Oh how I wish he could see the rewards of those many years. I am sure he is watching somehow. I still get the feeling of being "monitored". Weird I know. It can also be comforting. He is with me, and looking after me, especially when I feel so alone.

For some reason I feel different the last couple of weeks. A sense of finality, a sense of surrealness about my life. When I see my friends I enjoy their company, but still manage to feel removed. When I am commuting I often feel as if I am an observer. The many "ants", travelling en mass to their air conditioned jobs, clocking in and out without much thought. Yet, on a daily basis I deal with people who only dream (well, some of them anyway) of being an "ant". Is it what we are meant to do though? Do all these ants do this by choice, or through economic necessity? I have a mixtre. Certainly there is some necessity to it, but also I see it as a means to an end, where I can finally follow my desired path - my own consulting business where I can pick and choose my clients and hours. That is the final dream. I am sure that once that is realised I will need to move onto another star to reach for. For now I am happy to look towards to what is in front of me, and what the next 2 years hold. I also look toward to what life is going to throw at me. I know I have tried to "make things happen", but to no avail. Life is going to happen regardless of what I do, so bring it on. I am very intrigued to what the future holds.

Commuting

2005-07-17T08:33:00.000+10:00

Over the last couple of weeks I have been adjusting to commuting to work. I must admit I miss that extra little bit of sleep that I used to get in the morning, especially on the chilly winter mornings we are starting to get. Being a person who despises the cold, it is certainly a little bit tough getting up nowadays. The temptation to stay in bed where is it nice a snuggly warm is increasing. On the other side of the coin, it is a small price to pay for getting my career on the go. I have worked so hard over the last 8 years to try to set my future in the secure zone. I only have 2 more years to go before I can confidently say "the world is my oyster". I wonder where that saying comes from? Oysters are definitely an aphrodesiac (or so I am told). Shouldn't life be an aphrodesiac nonetheless? Isn't every day a blessing? Having had so much turmoil over the last 12 months, I have finally started to come out the other side. I no longer feel "different" from all the other people I see walking around. Recently I had an interesting conversation with a dear friend about the feeling of detachment you feel after losing someone close to you. For her it was a baby, only a few months old. For me it was my best mate, my father. For me the grief was very intense. As a sole parent he used to fill that void that you get when you leave a marriage. He would be there to "bounce" things off. When little things went right or wrong, it was he who I consoled with or celebrated with. So in a sense I not only lost my father, I lost my support. Shortly after the lose you walk around doing the daily things you need to do to survive, but you feel as if you are an island. No one else can see or understand the pain inside. You can talk about it to people, but they just don't know ...... unless they too have experienced it. They are the people who say very little to you, they just quietly say "how are you going?", and nod their head when you give the socially excepted "I'm ok". Of course those in the know know you are not, and that is why they say little. I cannot even begin to imagine my friends pain, the loss of a child is something I have been spared. Anyway, I have woken the last couple of weeks not feeling that detachment I have felt for so long. I no longer feel like screaming on a daily basis. I am beginning to smile and enjoy people's company, and am looking forward to catching up with dear friends when I take that oh so scary trip back to my home state to try to experience it without my Dad. It is scary because I now recognise my healing, and I am scared that seeing familiar places without him might somehow take me back a step, and I will have to fight off that screaming feeling again.

I guess the hectic pace of the last couple of weeks has helped. Life goes on, one of those platitudes I general dislike, however the busy pace has been therapeutic. I am starting to wake each day feeling happy that yes I am alive. I have for many years had a foreboding feeling that my time here has been so full of events that I feel I will not be here for a long time. So for me each day is a blessing. I don't know what it is that is in store for me, but I hope I have time to say goodbye. Generally in life I tend to chat a fair bit, but I don't generally give alot away of what is swimming in my head. There are so many things I want to say to people, but never really get the opportunity to. I hope I am not one of those spirits who looks down upon this world saying "I wish I had of .....". It would not be a regret for action or non-action, just a sense of "I wish I had of told that person this ....". I like to think that people that know me know how much I care, and that deep down inside I feel so much affection for them in both good times and in bad. They have been there for me throughout so many events, I hope they know that I will in turn be there for them, even if it is 2am in the morning. I think maybe I need to start telling them that. In our society we are all supposed to cope and be in control of everything. I know that I often feel I am never in control. Life is taking me on this incredible journey and I have lost the itinerary. I still have my passport, but where I am going is not clear. I just hope I get to all my destinations before that fateful closure. I am often intrigued as to why I have that sense of not being a "long termer" in life. I have often toyed with the idea of going to a clairvoyant to find out, but then if I knew I might focus on it and miss out on some incredible experiences that could come my way. In all the things we fear in life, I do not fear the end. If anything I am intrigued. Does that make me weird? Maybe. Maybe commuting is giving me way too much time to think.

Too Good To Be True

2005-07-08T20:08:00.000+10:00

I have been very neglectful of my blog entries the last 2 weeks. I have wondered whether it is because I have been beyond busy, or is it because to put it into words might have the pixies listening, and risk the possibility of something happening to ruin the possibility of my hopes being yet again dashed. I have decided to take on the positive aspect .... I have been incredibly busy. I walked into an office in crisis, and after 2 weeks of no lunch breaks, and being ushered out of the office when all other staff are leaving, I can see a distinct glimmer of light on the horizon. Looking back I now see an office that is coming together. I give many praises to those staff who have stayed, in amongst so much grievance I am sure they have wondered whether they should have. Their perseverance is paying off for them. The office is starting to make progress. I see more smiles and less tension. I hope I am not being the eternal optimist in believing that things will start to turn around for them. I guess I should no longer consider myself an outside, as I will be staying.

The powers to be have decided to look favourably on my proposal. I am daunted, yet excited, at the fact that I will shortly be able to see all my hard work in study come to fruition. I do need to submit more proposals, but they are more in the lines of how we are going to make the main proposal operational. The next two years will certainly be very busy, and very challenging. It reminds me of when I first applied to university. I was going to "show them". "Them" being particular people who had treated me as a sub-intelligent being for so many years. I truly did not think that I would suceed in my application. When I got the letter I was amazed. "Oh my .... now I actually have to do it". I had doubted my own ability to realise my intellectual potential. Many times I thought I have taken on more than I could chew. I did do quite well. And 2 degrees later I am having those same doubts. I put my proposal in, now I have to come up with the goods. It is disappointing how the old self-doubt comes flooding back when faced with a challenge. My comfort zone is certainly challenged. I know deep down I can do it, I am just not sure how. I often curse those who made self-doubt a part of me being. I was raised in a loving and supportive family where we grew up just knowing we can do anything we put our mind to. Then I spent many years in an environment that had me believing that simply because of my gender I was not as good as others. Women with intelligence we seen to be threatening, and disobedient to boot. How can those 13 years wipe out the 18 or so of my family environment? I guess how is not important. What is important is that I can reach within myself to battle that demon that had me so low. I know I can do it. I just gotta get over that self-doubt. "And may your armpits be plagued with the fleas from a thousand camel's armpits". The curse that is sent out to the being who put that self-doubt upon me.

Once I get over the whole self-doubt issue I will get down to embarking on a very busy 2 years, but ones that will seal my future. These years are the culmination of many years of dreaming and hard work at university. Years of sacrifice that I willing made for the dream of being a Psychologist. I will be able to work as the person I know I can be. I will be able to eventually have my own consulting business, and I will be able to call my own hours, and I will have the pneumonics following my name that will put me in an elite group of professionals who work for passion, and for the forever challenge of discovering what makes people tick. Each and every client will be a surprise, a puzzle to piece together and solve. That is the nature of humans. Some may think that to want to simply have letters after your name is pretentious. I am not after the wealth, the status, or the prestige. In the world Psychologists are perceived as nutty, so there is definitely no prestige. There is however the knowledge that you have suceeded in joining a profession that is very difficult to enter (intentional or not). Only those with a true passion, and yes maybe a little bit excentricity, make it through. Status - not really, society thinks we are nuts. Wealth - I am not sure of this. I know I will be paying my debt to the government for a considerable amount of years. A debt for enriching my mind, for achieving my potential. I will, eventually, not sit in traffic/on the train wondering why I am going off to a boring job, a job where I feel my brain numbing to a point where I think it will dissolve through lack of use. My Dad used to always say to me "if you keep the mind active you will keep your senses". I don't think he was talking about senility and old age. I believe that the brain is a muscle - if you don't exercise it, it will go flabby. I can cope with the body not working quite as well as it did when I was 20, but I certainly hope that my brain will continue to be young and lithe. The body might give up on me one day, but by gee the brain will keep galloping along.

Surprises

2005-07-01T22:18:00.000+10:00

What a week! I started the week going to a new office to help rescue the desparate situation they had happening. My perceptions (from an outsiders point of view) was of a group of staff that had endured significant difficulties in the last couple of months. I see a group of people who are essentially talented, but who have had little training or guidance. Given such situation, I think they have all coped exceptionally well. To take on a middle management role, without any sort of significant guidance, is truly a sign of the capabilities of such people. In the last week I have seen frustrations over-boil, I have seen people reach the end of their tether. I have also seen the same people hold together when required. As an outsider, who comes from an office touted with achievement, I decided to tread very carefully. I certainly did not want to be the smart alec who came in and provided direction without understanding of their current situation. Change is very scary for the best of us, let alone a group of staff who have been stretched to the limits. I gradually stated my observations. I helped in any sort of menial way. I am, in most cases, a quiet achiever. I do not spout incredible talents or wisdom, I do not tell people what they "should" do (should is a particularly hated word of mine). I simply take the pressure off in very quiet ways. In the last week the receptionist has come to rely on me for any question that might be in the "too hard" basket. "Put it through" is a phrase a receptionist wants to hear when they have multiple lines ringing, a horde of people in reception (who display all sorts of disfunctional behaviour), and multiple requests from all manner of staff. Any problem or issue I generally can cope with. Today alone I dealt with a drug addict, a muture aged job dodger, an autistic, and a schizophrenic. And that in total probably took about 2 hours of my day. The rest was spent in devising ways in which the current staff could feel validated, and implementing new procedures that just might make it a bit easier for those who have battled so long to keep the office operational. I need to add the token visit from the executive. They come in and sprout the virtures of an office in crisis. They are attempting to reduce the flood of disgruntled employees from fleeing the nest. And they think platitudes, pizza and coke will do it.

It is interesting that about 2 to 3 months ago I put a proposal to the company in an attempt for them to maintain my services in an industry that has a horrific turn-over and burnout rate. Back then they could not meet my propsal, despite my requests. Over the last week however, they are exceptionally eager to discuss with me how they can keep me in their employ. After careful consideration I am constructing yet another proposal to the company. While the case load I would be managing would be of a more highly disadvantaged nature, for me to be able to register is a wonderful thing. For many of the people unaware of the requirements of registration, it is a very expensive and difficult journey. I have invested almost $20,000 on my university studies. I, at the time, considered it an investment. An investment in both my children's future, and in my future. When I get to retirement age I believe there will be no pension. As a woman who brought children into this world, my superannuation is limited. I am way below the limit that is required to support ones self in retirement. So I am relying on my professional qualifications to tide me through. I have pretty much struggled for the majority of my adult life (a state that provides strength of character and fortitude), and am to some extent not keen on struggling in my twilight years. Thus my education is an investment. I am hoping to conduct my own business to finance my life. For the last 2 years I have partially utilised those skills, however not enough for registration.

In the last week I have a glimmer of hope on the whole registration deal. I guess psychology is similar to doctors - we need to have supervised practice before we can truly call ourselves Psychologists. It is probably the cruelest professions to enter. You slog your guts out for 4 years at university, just to be a junior. To obtain registration after 4 years study you require a supervisor for a minimum of 2 years. This comes at a costly price of approx $75 and hour. To consider registration you need to complete 1,600 hours of supervisied practice. The sums say it all. To obtain an entry level position, which provides supervision, is more rare than hens teeth, or tits on a bull! And the ironic thing is those that to actually pass a 4 year psychology degree you have to have an absolute passion for it. The road to passing is difficult, and those without the passion simply do not pass. Even when you do manage to pass, you then have the almost impoosible task of supervision. Are we masochistic? No, we simply have a passion for helping people. There is a side-step you can take. If you do your masters in psychology, you obtain registration as a student, and thus complete your masters and begin full registration (not provisional), and a happy road to professional fulfillment. The catch? To complete your masters degree will set you back approximately $24,000. If you are not lucky enough to have a very functional money tree in the back yard, then you accumulate a debt to our government (which charges interest by the way). So ....... in total we are looking at approximately $20,000 for your undergraduate, and $24,000 for your masters. The psychology world prefers people with masters. And I am not surprised. At a cost of approximately $42,000, you would have to be popular. Oh, by the way, this is simply the fees, we have not yet covered student fees (access to libraries etc), text books (at an average of $120 each) or any sort of printing/stationery costs. Anyone who has ever conducted any sort of research would understand the costs invovled, which would put about another $500 onto the tally.

Anyway, to cut a long story short - I have an organisation who is begging me to stay with them. Apparantly my case management skills are considered to be second to none (I would argue that, but hey let them think that). They are willing to provide me with supervision, and opportunities to fulfill the requirements of superivision, in order to keep me within the company fold. On many instances I have suffered from intense feeling of insecurity and lack of self worth. Should the last week encourage me to refrain from feelings of low self worth? No. It does boots my self esteem, but only as a case manager. It does nothing to verify me as a person. I will meet their proposal, I will have my supervision, I will be officially a psychologist. It will meet an intense need I have to verify my professional ability. I will thank the stars that at least I have some validation. My personal situation remains one of contention. I guess it always will. I think I need to put that in the hands of fate. To the men of the world - you miss out. To the friends who have stuck by me - thank you so much. To those who have slotted me into the "too high maintenance" category - your loss. With that high maintenance comes much love and affection. I am no longer prepared to accept second rate. Those who know me know my episodes of depression, and know that I eventually come out of it. Those not prepared to weather the storm, well I guess they are after the "easy" loves. In the long run, the people who are prepared to weather the storm get the benefits - a very true and loyal friend. A person who would go to the ends of the earth for those close. A person who in return will not ditch at the slightest sign of hardship or trouble in others. For those who stand by me, I will stand by you ten-fold. I love you all (you know who you are).

The Chill

2005-06-25T15:45:00.000+10:00

I awoke today to a cold and drab day. Not the best day to have in my book. I flicked on the tv, nothing much there, not at 4.30am anyway! I put on a cd in my new little stereo, and proceded to just lay there. I was trying to come up with things I could do on such a drab day. The problem with these sorts of days is that my batteries literally feel a little low. I often say to people that I am solar powered, and with the clouds today I wasn't going to be doing much no matter how much I thought about it. Eventually it was my stomach that got me up and going. I cannot stay awake too long before the tummy rumbles set in and I need some food to settle it. I have two sensations I detest the most, and will avoid: throwing up and hunger.

The hunger part comes from a time in my life where I had enough food to feed the children, and very little for me. So, as most mothers do (even in the animal kingdom), we feed the young first. It was probably during the darkest time in my life. So now I eat very regular, and I keep a good stock of food in the pantry, just in case there are a few too many bills. If I have a good stock of food, then no-one needs to go hungry. To date it has worked well. So this morning I eventually got out of bed (cold as it was) to feed myself. I had contemplated going back to bed, but thought I should check my messages. We still have alot of communication happening over the estate matters, I look forward to the day when it is all wrapped up. The communication generally is very business like, but in our family's true style, the humour comes out to brighten the day. And today I managed to get a giggle happening, even on a dreary day like today. This email sparked a phone call to my sister so we can brainstorm a few more ways we can say sorry (NOT) to a very vile person. It turns out that he was upset that the family did not apologise to him during the mediation session. Now, I am having trouble understanding what we were to apologise for. It was he who was abusive to the family for so many years. So, all I can say is "sorry, I can't say sorry, if I have nothing to say sorry for". Anyway, the humour started rolling. My eventual suggestion was to post him a huge big "Sorry" banner. No other words, no names, nothing. For him it would be his "sorry" he was looking for, and for us it will be our "sorry, but we are not going to say sorry". I am very grateful that we can laugh through our rough times in our family. It is a very important skill. It has taken us through many a trying time.

As the sun is going down I start to get another chill. I have spent the day not doing much, but trying to keep warm. The very sad thing is that today is not as cold as it can get. I think I need to settle in for the winter. The heater is out of the garage, and back in the house. The power it uses is minimal, but realistically I don't care. I hate the cold so I am prepared to do whatever it takes to keep myself warm. I think soup is on the agenda for dinner, that should warm me inside, enough for me to settle into bed and watch whatever is on tv. Hopefully tomorrow will bring a little more sunshine, and a better mood. I may even venture out of the house - who knows.

Changes

2005-06-24T19:16:00.000+10:00

Today is full of changes. I had my last day at an office that I have spent the last 2 years at. I am absolutely hopeless at farewells. Having lived away from home (interstate) for the last 20 years, I still haven't got used to saying good bye to people I am close to. While work is usually work, you don't expect to form any real bonds with those you spend the majority of your waking day with. While most of the people in the office are new, there were one or two that had been there with me for the majority of those 2 years. I don't get choked up, I simply feel a sense of impending loss. I know that a few select will stay in touch, and most will simply be people that I will connect up with on an irregular basis. The ones I know will stay in touch are those that I grew close to during my time there. We have all sorts of things in common. There is the woman who was very much a mentor. One who is reserved like me, but you just know that the feeling is there. A very gentle woman who would simply touch your arm and say "are you ok?" when she sensed that things were not quiet right. She knew that she hadn't been in the place I had been in, but also knew that whatever it may be it was affecting me deeply. It is called a sense of empathy. She certainly has it. How could she have otherwise survived in a high burn-out position for so long? I will probably miss her quiet presence more than anything. The younger ones have all the hype, yet she has that quiet presence that comforts you. She will definitely be on the 40th birthday list. She won't stay long as it won't be her scene, but her attendance will mean the world.

Then there is the one who has experienced some of the crushing experiences I have in a relationship of control. She understands when you question yourself beyond belief. She herself is moving on. Two farewells in the space of a week. Something a small office feels deeply. She lives nearby, and I hope that we will stay in touch. She was the one who purchased the farewell pressie. Most would look at it and love the prettiness of it. I think it is only her and I that understand the significance of the "Angel of Hope" and "Angel of Happiness". Only she and I know that these are two things that you grasp onto so dearly in life. Hope is something for the future, which we hold onto so dearly to create a wonderful future. Happiness is something that is very precious, as we have both lived without it for some time. I need to tell her that I know the message she was giving. They both now hold a special place in "the hutch". The hutch is my display for special significant things that have come into my life. The little box that holds a locket of my Dad's hair, a hair that is so white it is beautiful, a piece of him that will never die. Some may think it is morbid, but it is something real that is left after his physical existence is no long here. A glass from each university I have studied at - a time in my live that I sacrificed so much in order to provide a better future for both myself and my darling girls. The orchid which I wore at my mother's funeral - a flower that she loved dearly. It is a flower that takes alot of work to grow, requires attention, but is so beautiful it can take your breath away. The candles that my little brother brought back from Europe, a trip that was a symbol of independence and celebration (to be hearing impaired and travel around Europe on your own! Wow!). The hand print in plaster that was lovingly made by one of my darlings, her tender youth captured forever.

I face the next week in a semi-comfort mode - still working for the same company but in a different location, rescuing another small office who are desparately understaffed. I will be there for a month at the most (if nothing else comes my way). In my quiet way I will turn up on Monday, do what has to be done, and maybe make some new friends. Even though I am quiet to being with I am a people's person, I have no regard for the material things in life, but count importance in the people that grace my existence. I have not had material comfort for many years, and can live without it. I, however, do value the contact I have with people. I am not talking about the candidates I will inevitably sign-up, lay the rules down to (which they will not listen to). I am talking about the people who battle the same battles in the workplace. Very few people can understand the stress associated with such an industry. It can bleed you dry, have your whole perspective a little squiff. Abuse can be a daily event, weekly at the best. The inevitable sense of belting your head against a brick wall a daily reality. A synicism that you just can't shake. You can never get back those rose coloured glasses. The population I will be dealing with in the next month are considerably more challenging than I have in the last 2 years. Nonetheless they will have the same inattentive look on their faces. The difference being - I will continue to get paid consultant wages, and I will have no true dedication to the individual candidates that sit at the desk. There will be the odd one or two that spark my interest - the ones that truly want to work. But they will be few and far between.

I could possibly be a floating consultant - move from office to office, rescuing offices that are desparately understaffed while still needing to meet outcomes and performance measures. It wouldn't be so bad I guess. I wouldn't have time to grow too dis-interested with individuals, and the company (while not the best in the industry), does pay better than Mr Howard. I have a particular barrier to receiving benefits from the government. I need to be a productive member of society. Even before I worked with the dole bludgers of society I have never liked hand-outs. I guess I grew up in a family which had a huge sense of pride. That pride I cannot drop. I will create inventive ways of surviving, and will only accept the charity of the government begrudgingly. I am a great believer that things happen in life for a reason. If something is meant to be, then it will be. Kind of like the people in my life, if I am meant to meet them I will, regardless of my actions. The people in my life definitely need to have courage. I am hard work - but boy am I worth it!!

Cynic

2005-06-22T20:54:00.000+10:00

Today I have started to feel almost normal again. I noticed last night, driving home from work late, that it was a full moon. Most people don't know that our moods are often dictated by the moon. Our bodies are predominantly water, and so the moon has an affect, as it does on the tides. We certainly notice the full-moon effect at work. Dealing with the dreggs of society we tend to get the strangest visitors to the office during the full moon. And being on reception this week I am in the direct firing line. I seek comfort in that I had a wonderful job interview today. It is more in the line of what I would like to do - that is help people who want to work get into work. I would be working with disabilities, and often my exposure to such people has shown them to be filled with courage and positivity. They have already battled so many barriers, and are still keen to get into some sort of employment (a far cry from dealing with the perfectly able bodied lazy job seekers I have had to deal with over the last 2 years). I am sure if I get the job people will hear the screams of delight. I have already promised many text messages to people dear to me.

Tonight, sitting and watching whatever trash was on the box, one of my babies was reading a rather funny book out to me. Last year a friend gave me a little book called "Wicked Widom - A Cynic's Dictionary". Some of the sayings are a bit ordinary, but some are very precious. For todays blog I will share some of our house's favourites.

Bimbo - A woman who's not pretty enough to be a model, not smart enough to be an actress, and not nice enought to be a poisonous snake (P.J.O'Rourke)

Teenagers - God's punishment for having sex. (Anon)

Battle of the Sexes - A lifelong skirmish which often involves sleeping with the enemy. (Anon)

Barrister - A word in the dictionary that comes between bankrupt and bastard. (Anon)

Parenting - Part joy and part guerilla warfare. (Edward Asner)

Xmas - Popular festival made to sound like a skin disease. (Mike Barfield)

Zoo - A place for animals to study the habits of human beings. (Oliver Hurford)

Consequences

2005-06-20T18:58:00.000+10:00

Tonight I think I feel the worst I have for a long time. Have you ever had those times where you really reach the bottom of the barrel in security and self esteem? I had one of those weekends. Unfortunately the consequences of my behaviour on such a dark weekend have resulted in a feeling very deep and hurtful. Through my own actions I have pushed a very worthwhile person away. Are there any brickwalls out there that can be sent my way? I feel like belting myself against them. I cannot say it was anyone elses fault, it was all my own. I can hope for second chances, but really lets face it, I deserve the consequences. Where is my fairy god mother when I need her?! I am always telling my children about how they need to take the consequences of their behaviour, now it is my turn.

In most manners of life I am so totally in control and ontop of it all. When it comes to emotions, or matters of the heart, then all sense goes out the window. I have struggled for many years to come back from the brink, after a long-term relationship that almost ruined me. When I think I have it all under control, it all goes usunder. The events of the weekend were not helped by a wine or two. I normally do a mental checklist of my emotions to ensure that I am in a good frame of mind before I have any wine. This time I got it all wrong. I had a great night, but my behaviour ended up being very destructive. Why did I go into self destruct mode? Is it a deep seated feeling that I am not worthy of anyone decent, and so when one comes along I have to self-destruct and ensure it all goes under? I knew this morning that my behaviour would surely come back to bite me. I normally take my mobile to work with me, but I am on reception for the next 2 weeks. I cannot man the phones and front desk and take personal calls at the same time. So I left it in my bag and turned it on after work. The message I received was probably well deserved, and I am glad I didn't get it this morning, a grumpy receptionist is not a good scene. I wish I could get through to the sender to let them know that I am feeling bad enough as it is. They surely would not be in the frame of mind to communicate with me though, and I can hardly blame them. I think a trip to Caloundra is in order. I know she won't be able to make it better, but simply getting a hug from a friend will surely enable me to get some of the regret out. I wish this dreary weather would lift. As a solar powered person I need the sun to lift my spirits. I would love to grab the tent and just disappear, but in today's society that is probably the most unsafe thing a woman can do - go camping on your own. So I have to look to other ways that will lift me out of this. Oh how I wish my Dad was here. He was always full of wisdom, and would be gentle when he admonished me. He hated seeing me on my own and go through those intense lonely moments. He knew that I am a person with so much love to give, and to not be able to give it is a shame. He knew that I didn't trust men that easily, and so it would be a battle for me to find a person who could see through into my heart, and not focus on the defensive behaviour I come out with (and I might add, destructive). And he would give me a hug that would make any disaster go away. Well Dad, if you are watching down on me, then you can gently admonish me now.

Sunday Morning

2005-06-19T09:10:00.000+10:00

This morning I went for a walk, something I haven't done for a while. It was absolutely marvellous to get out there, stride out, and let my thoughts run away from me. I loved going for early morning walks in summer. In our balmy weather early mornings are the best time. The sun is out, it isn't too hot, and the birds are welcoming the morning. Now that winter is upon us it is still dark when I wake. For the last few years I have this annoying habit of waking around 5am. In summer it is fine, but in winter it is a little less inviting. When I woke this morning I had a barrage of thoughts in my head. I had shared (via distance) a few drinks with a friend in Victoria. We hadn't spoken since xmas time, so there was heaps to catch up on. I was amazed at the time when we had finished, and the amount of wine I had consumed. One would think that it would be a good recipe for a sleep in. Unfortunately not. At 5am I was wide away, bright eyed and bushy tailed.

When I first woke it was dark, and I don't go walking until the sun is coming up. So I made a cuppa, snuggled under the doona, and proceded to write my wish list for the remainder of the year. It is scary that the year is already half over. Checking the list I am pretty much on track for my 2005 goals. I have to have goals to aim for. The thought of life going on without some sort of personal goals just doesn't seem right to me. I have to make life happen, cause I am very sure that life won't give me what I want unless I ask for it, and make it happen (proactive rather than reactive). Anyway, I think the career stuff is moving in the right direction (I'll know soon). The family perspective is moving well, with resolution hopefully on the horizon for my siblings and I with the estate matters. My health goals are a bit off track at the moment, but I am guessing that with a less stressful job that will also move into place. That only left relationships. That is not so bright and cheery. But hey, 3 out of 4 isn't so bad is it. I am experiencing a high level of uncertainty in that area. I think I am running out of steam, so for the time being I am not going to be proactive in this area. I have tried to be, and keep coming up against brick walls. I think I will have to be reactive, which for me is difficult. That is like asking an obsessive compulsive to sit in a messy room. The discomfort levels go through the roof. However, I am sure I can adjust. The thing with discomfort levels is they dissipate after a while, you get used to whatever is causing the discomfort. Eventually it is no longer a problem. I know that the intense loneliness of long-term singledom will always be a problem, but just maybe I have to accept this is out of my control. I am trying to stop my experiences from turning me cynical, I don't want to be one of those people who shut down emotionally. I am a highly emotional person, and I live my life on my emotional experiences. I sometimes think I have so much emotions welled up inside that I might just burst. For the time being I will have to throw myself into morning and afternoon walks, maybe revisit that strange place called the gym. I don't use the gym for a social outlet, it is my way of burning off all my frustrations in life. It is my way of stopping myself from bursting at the seams with unused emotions. Its my way of exhausting myself so I don't have to think about the lack of physical contact/comfort in my life. It is also my way of preventing me from internalising the disastrous dating record I have. So I guess it is back to the gym tomorrow. Today is Sunday morning. I think I'll grab a cuppa, jump on my bed and pull out some of those cds I haven't played for a while. That will at least put a bandaide on my heart for the time being. The clouds are in for the day, so comfort activities are required.

Bill of Rights

2005-06-17T19:11:00.000+10:00

I have chosen to educate my children in the private system. As a parenting decision I take this seriously. I have chosen to do this as education is the great equaliser in life. You can always improve on your quality of life by educating yourself. Having been raised in a family who didn't really have much in material matters, I am endeavouring to provide more for my children. Or maybe I am just following in my parents footsteps by placing education very high on the list. I am effectively providing a good start for my childrens adult life. The down side is the peer pressure that comes from other students at the school who inevitably have more. They get more pocket money, they have the latest gadgets, and get to go out more than my children do. For teenagers this pressure is very real. At one point in time one of my darlings expressed her displeasure at us not having as much financially as her peers. I let her have her vent, and asked her what she thought a good parent should do. The obvious list ensued. Whilst I know my children understand that I am working hard to provide for them and their future, I felt it would be futile to say that really they are not that badly done by, that they certainly have alot more than I ever had growing up. I could afterall be a sole parent who simply sat back and took welfare and amuse myself each day, instead of working in "have-to" jobs to pay for their education. I could spend that three figure sum I pay each week on their education for what I now consider luxuries, things that many women take for granted. For me to colour my hair is a treat, to buy myself something bordering on selfish (I am trying to fight that one). I then remembered a little poem that someone had sent to me a while ago. I had printed it out because I found it humourous, and possibly useful should my children whinge about their station in life. I have given up telling them that they have so much more than I ever had growing up. So I simply asked them if they had heard of the Bill of Rights. This I think originated from the USA, but it still has humour value.

Bill of Rights (or Don’t Mess with Mum!)

My son came home from school one day
With a smirk upon his face.
He’d decided he was smart enough
To put me in my place.

“Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
That’s taught by Mr Wright?
It’s all about the laws today ….
Our “Children’s Bill of Rights”

It says I need not clean my room,
Don’t have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion
And regardless what you say,
I do not have to bow my head
And sure don’t have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want
And pierce my tongue and nose.
I’ll read and watch just what I like,
Get tattooed from head to toes.

And if you ever spank me,
I’ll charge you with a crime.
I’ll back up all my charges
With the marks on my behind.

So, don’t you ever touch me,
My body’s mine to use.
It’s not for hugs and kisses ….
That’s just more child abuse.

Don’t preach about your morals,
Like you Mama did to you.
That’s nothing more than mind control,
And that’s illegal too!

Mum, I have these children’s rights,
So you can’t influence me,
Or I’ll call Children’s Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D.”

Of course, my first instinct was
To toss him out the door,
But the chance to teach a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn’t let this go.
And then a smile crept on my face ….
He’s messing with a pro!

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill store.
I told him, “Pick out all you want,
There’s shirts and pants galore.

I’ve called and checked with C.S.D.
Who said they didn’t care,
If I bought you K-Mart shoes,
Instead of those Nike Airs.

I’ve cancelled that appointment,
To take your driver’s test.
The C.S.D is unconcerned,
So I’ll decide what’s best.”

I said, “No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait ‘til dinner time.
We’re having liver and onions,
A favourite dish of mine.”

He asked, “Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?”
“Sorry, but I sold your TV,
To put tyres on my car.

I’ve also rented out your room,
You’ll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
Just a roof above your head.

Your clothing won’t be trendy now,
And I’ll choose what you eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I’m selling off your jet-ski,
Dirt-bike and roller blades.
Check out the “Parent’s Bill of Rights”.
It’s in effect today!

Hey, hot shot, are you crying?
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out
Instead of C.S.D?”

I am very happy to say that the girls soon learnt to appreciate what they have. Each time they whinge I simply say "don't forget the Bill of Rights". One time, one of the girls decided to challenge me. "Just try me baby, just try me" was the reply. I very rarely get complaints now. They fully appreciate the clothes on their backs, the food in the cupboard, the education they are receiving, and the braces on their teeth. I think this poem should be included in every highschool orientation package. I think I'll keep a copy and hand it to my girls they day they have their own children. I love the fact that most adversity in our house is tackled with humour. Is that the Irish coming out in me? Maybe

Nature vs Nurture

2005-06-17T08:57:00.000+10:00

Last night I received a long awaiting photo of my new nephew. Well, he isn't all that new anymore, he would be close to 2 months old (give or take a week or two). In the age of digital photography it still took a while to get the photo through. I am guessing that is not so much out of lack of available resources, but the parents absolute exhaustion in trying to adjust to a new baby in the house. At first some would say that the parents are lucky, they are deaf and so the noise distruption of having a baby in the house wouldn't bother them so much. I beg to differ. The hearing members of the house are assisting them. So, whilst they don't hear the cry, they still would have the night feeds to get used to. I am told he is a wonderful baby whose cry is more of a whimper. But even so, the 11pm feed, then the 2 or 3am feed, and the 5 or 6am feed is enough to tire even the hardiest of us all. I remember all to well the tiredness of looking after a good baby, and also the absolute exhaustion of looking after a not so good baby. It has been 13 years since I travelled that road, but the memory is still fresh in my mind. I don't think you forget it. Lack of sleep stays with you for years to come.

As I look at the photo I see family similarities already. Those deep dark eyes are truly from our side. I have one with dark eyes and I think each of my siblings have had a child with the same. I wonder what family traits he will have. On the physical side I think he will have his father's height. A tall man by any standards, and thin to boot. Will he inherit his father's hyperactivity? Will he inherit the family tendency to physical activity? Will he inherit the love of learning that seems to be so strong in our family? Will he inherit the social justice that is also so strong in our family? How much of these can be easily be determined through environment? This has been an argument that has kept psychology alive for a while. Trying to figure out why we turn out the way we do - nature or nurture. I know very little of his maternal family, but I do know that they will more than likely have a major influence on his up-bringing. My mother used to always say when your children get married, with daughters you end up gaining another son, with sons they tend to gravitate to the other family. It is hard for me to judge this as my family has turned out bit of a mixture. I know the eldest brother is definitely close to his in-laws, the next brother is no longer a brother, the next one ended up divorced, the next one has allowed his wife to gradually stear him away from us, and the youngest one, well he is in the early days of his relationship (only a year). With us girls it is bit of a mixture. My eldest sister's husband is more of a brother than a brother-in-law. My closest sister lives far away, but is still in very close contact with us. And I stand strongly tight with my family, being divorced I have no need to personally maintain a relationship with the ex-outlaws. So, I wonder, will my new nephew be closer to his mother's family or ours? I guess time will tell.

It is a pity I live so far away, I will not get the opportunity to be a close relative with this little lad. Any words of wisdom I try to impart may be perceived as utterances from the mad aunt. Regardless I know he will grow to be a mans man. My brother is definitely a strong male, and has reasonably traditional perceptions of the world. Not that I want him to grow to be a sensitive little thing, males in that mode tend to have a tough time of it growing up. Wouldn't it be nice if we could have both - the strong male sprinkled with a touch of sensitivity and softness. Most of my brothers have these qualities, but never ask them cause they will deny the soft bit. I have seen it in them though. So for now I hope that I can be a part of this little mans life, albeit from a distance. I would like to help shape him into a wonderful man. We need them in the world. I know half of the battle is won with his genetic inheritance, the nurture bit though needs constant monitoring. Give children the right sort of environment and they blossom into wonderful adults. I doing my bit with the female population, now we just need to work on those males.

Routines

2005-06-15T11:03:00.000+10:00

Isn't it so easy to fall into routines. On a week off from work I automatically fall into the routine of years ago. Drop the kids off at school, jump on the internet and look for work. That takes care of the morning. You find jobs you know you can do, download the selection criteria, and get to work selling yourself. You then submit the application and move to the next one. Every now and again you get excited over the "perfect" job, but generally it is an automatic procedure. Generally most selection criteria are along the same lines. You almost type without thinking, you go through the process knowing there are loads of other people doing the same. It is kind of like a job in itself. You allocate a certain part of your day to this process, then set about doing your other important jobs for the day. Isn't it funny how the job of raising a family is not really considered a job. It can certainly take a large portion of the day. So in effect I am searching for my second job. I know while I am enjoying the time at home, I can listen to my music, eat when my body tells me to (as opposed to being restricted to a set time of the day), given a few weeks I will be out of my mind not working. I am one of those people who just cannot have an ordinary life. I have to work, I have to be doing things during the week. On weekends I am perfectly happy to just hang out, but Monday to Friday I have to be a productive member of society and fill a job (one other than my first job of parenting).

I grew up in a house were you worked. Both my parents worked as long as they could. My father forced into early retirement through health, my mother forced into retirement through government "retirement age" restrictions. She was smart though, she simply went on the relief roster, then continued to work for a few years more. I have no idea what non-working people do. Surely if they are prepared to be non-working they wouldn't be doing the whole job searching thing as I am. Don't they have some feeling of responsibility of doing their bit by working? In my early years of parenting I didn't work, for about 2 years. Then I went so batty that I went off to study. I have studied for years. So while not working I was at least doing something. For some I even worked and studied. I think I must be a sucker for being too busy. Every now and again though the whole too busy thing gets too much. I need a break, then I go batty again and off I go doing the whole too busy thing again. So I either have the whole working routine thing happening, or the looking for work routine happening.

In an effort to have a rest, I have the week off. I deliberately had no plans, but by Wednesday the diary is starting to book up. Friday lunch is taken, and I know I gotta catch up with some friends I haven't seen for a while, so that will be tomorrow. Today was to be gardening, but fate knows I am not a gardener and provided me with some decent rain for the day (thank you!). See, even on a week where I am supposed to be recovering my energy I have to do something. The weekend is coming and I know I will rest easy with just hanging out, doing nothing much. If this rain continues I think some dvds are in order. For now I am enjoying listening to my music that I haven't touched for a while, been too busy. I had forgotten the wonderful humour of Beccy Cole (Lazy Bones an absolute laugh), the soothing sounds of Carey Lewincamp and his guitar (a Tasmanian legend), the energy boosting sounds of Matchbox 20, and the deep voice of Adam Harvey. And I don't have to compete with the normal teenage range of music that fills the house on weekends. I can sing along to my favourite songs without disapproval (I am a shower singer for sure). I find music very much a therapy, you play the music that suits your mood. For a person who feels their emotions so intensely, music is wonderful way to express your moods, get them out of your system. I am totally guilty of dancing around the house when in a wonderful mood, or simply lying on my bed when in a not so wonderful mood. Having such an eclectic collection of cds I have all moods covered. It has just occurred to me that in my "too busy" stages I haven't listened to my music much. Maybe that is contributing to the burn-out. Possibly. For now I am re-energising with my music, and it feels great.

Wisdom

2005-06-11T07:00:00.000+10:00

I revisted a moment of wisdom this week. Normally I come across as a little bit ditzy, and can often be mistaken for someone with not much nouse. A dear friend came over for a quick visit before her and her partner go off to New Zealand for a holiday. I haven't seen her for ages. It was lovely. She is like family, and for those who have read previous blogs, you all know how I feel about family. I am very fortunate to have a few friends who I class as family. We were chatting about her up coming trip. As with most major events there is probably more stress before hand than will actually be on the trip itself. I tried to reassure her that if she is having this much go wrong before she goes, she is simply getting that all out of the way so her trip can be smooth. I hope she has a wonderful time, she sure has earnt it.

One of her comments made me chuckle. "Never have pets" she says with a shaking of the head. They have fish. She has talked about the therapeutic factors associated with having pets. I am one of those people who love pets, but am realistic to the limitations they place on your life. By her comment I am assuming she has had problems organising the care of the fish while they are away. A discussion ensued, and I told her that as selfish as it may seem I will never have pets. I have only just started to get myself a life and I don't want to be tied down, I want to be able to go away on my weekends free if I feel like it. She agreed, but stated I was not being selfish. I remember a previous discussion a couple of years ago when she was surprised with me for taking the same stance - no pets. Isn't funny how time reveals some wisdoms. She eventually came around.

It got me wondering about other wisdoms I have had, and those I have changed. At work (yes I am still there!) a discussion ensued about second marriages. I remember a time not so long ago when I swore and declared I would never get married again. It is only a bit of paper, and it does not necessarily bring more committment to a relationship. You need to have that committment in your heart, and the bit of paper won't do it for you. Although over time I have come to the conclusion that if the right person came along, I would at least consider it. Given that my dating history is so woeful I think I am safe for a while in having to think about this topic. The person who brought up the topic is on his second marriage. With so many of us mature aged singlies at work we all joke about having a practice marriage before the real thing. Most of us had lavish affairs for our first. For his second he got married in jeans on a goat farm with a few select people. That got me thinking about how I would do a second wedding. I love the beach, so that would be an obvious option. I also love hills and rainforests, so there are some options there. Kondalilla Falls is a lovely place, has possibilities. Who would I have there? My children of course. Given my family live so far away I doubt many of them will be there. And I have my few select friends here. On second thought I think I would have the ceremony then just let them know. It sounds selfish but I believe a marriage is between the two people alone, the law however insists on having witnesses, and society pressures people into having lavish events. All bit of a commercial thing really. So I guess I would have me, the groom, my children. If the groom has children, then of course they could come. A reception? No, maybe a bbq, or a few drinks at a country local after the event, even on a different day. That is when the friends and extended family can come along. Anyway, like I said before, given my track record with dating I can safely say I won't have the stress of organising such an event. Knowing my luck Mr Right will come along when I am in the nursing home, and too senile to realise it!! We would definitely have a lavish affair then, all the nursing staff and other residents would want to be involved. Oh no, see how it can get out of hand so easily! You gotta laugh! Could you then say better late than never? I'm not sure, when you are senile it is alot harder to remember the vows, and even difficult to remember the intended ones name (lol)!

Surprises

2005-06-09T19:42:00.000+10:00

Today has been full of surprises. Firstly, my ability to so quickly do another job. In my floater role I am required to assist my replacement (oh dear he is having problems!), and to fill any other tasks that need doing. I have quickly revisted reception - one of the jobs I detest the most. The constant interruption of the phone and walk-ins, the constant demanding of my attention. It makes me feel as if I once again have small children who cannot function on their own. Being a mum I know I should be used to this, but I do like my own mental space. I like being able to focus on the task. I giggle as my replacement starts to focus on an assessment then has the constant interruption of the phone and walk-ins. He is not used to it. In a normal consultant role you have your interview time (normally 40 minutes, but in JNS it is squished into 30), and then you focus on the write-up. This requires a recall of all that is discussed as well as pertinent information such as non-verbal indicators. At least with reception the interruptions are relatively brief and simple to attend to. Then I quickly flip over to job placement, a job I have no idea of. But with others in the know unavailable I sail through it, take the information, post the job to the job board, and quickly refer a stunning perfect candidate. Within a span of 10 minutes organising interviews. Do numerous follow-up calls, then quickly slip back into guidance role and reception. The position that has caused so much grief over the time has me worried. I was put into a sink or swim situation and developed the role to work smoothly. I now hand it over and see the efficiency go down the drain. While I am happy to be moving on to more challenges, you have a certain ownership of the caseload and all the complexities that go with it. At a point where I just wanted to shout at my consultant-in-training "shut up and just bloody well listen" my mobile (cell to those in the US) went off. A bit of fate I would suggest. For had this call not come I would have surely lost my cool, and that is most unprofessional. Professionalism is one thing I have prided myself on, in the midst of receiving abuse, or having to deal with the most pathetic of candidates, I have always maintained my professionalism. I have not lost my cool. And here I find a colleague driving me to screeming on the inside.

There is this thing known in the organisation as the "duck theory". On the surface a duck is seen as calmly gliding across the water. But underneath the legs are going a million miles a minute. That is the key to professionalism. I guess it is like a poker face - don't let them see what is going on inside. It is only in professional roles I can do this. In my personal life I am absolutely hopeless at it. But professionally it is required when you are working with the dregs of society. If you let an abusive candidate see you are a bit scared, they have the better of you. You never let that happen. I did have one instance today, which was on a personal note, where I could put this into play. My phone call was from a person who had simply stopped contacting me. He had surely broken my heart, and it took alot to recover from this. Out of the blue he asks "what are you doing?". "I'm at work" the reply. This pleased him, he was in the neighbourhood and just wanted to pop in and say hi. Of course I was pleasant, but underneath I was full of suspicion. Why, out of the blue am I good enough to talk to? He even asked what I was up to next week. Having the week off I am pretty much a free agent. I can only wonder what his agenda is. He claims to want to see me next week. Hmmmm. How do I tell him that my perception of him has changed. I guess I just come out and say it. When he so nicely (sarcasm fully implied) decided to just stop contacting me I managed to move on (it took a bit mind you), cause that is what you do. You move on. You learn from each episode. Could he possibly remember what he had given up? I guess I will find out next week, that is if I decide to be available.

I wonder what other surprises this week is going to give me. I have had some good news on the whole estate issue. The fight might not be as long and arduous as I had originally thought. And the pact is still firmly in place. I no longer have to worry about the further shattering of my family. I don't rest easy with family division. Family is all I will ever have, I will never have riches to take their place. I also do not want riches to take their place. And it seems that we are still strong in our unity. The last couple of weeks, months, have been arduous, however I see some light at the end of the tunnel. That in itself gives me energy to continue on. You would be proud Dad. We are going to beat this. Oh how I wish I could pick the phone up and talk to my best buddy. But, while I can't do that I feel a sense that you are with us, and smiling at our ability to win this thing with brains. Thank you for fostering the intellectual side of us, both you and Mum. Had we have been raised by ordinary people we wouldn't have the tenacity to find such a solution. In amongst all of this I hold onto my fortune at have such wonderful people guide me in the world during my early years. I wish I could see the joy on your faces when this whole thing comes to fruition.

Damn

2005-06-07T19:40:00.000+10:00

Ok. I think I have buggered it up again. I found someone I like, and initially things were going well, now I am getting no response. I have tried to factor in all the possible scenarios, and simply putting it, I am sorry but to just not respond to messages (text and email) is a big signal that they just don't want to communicate. What I don't understand is why can't people just come out and say it? Why can't they just say they don't want to talk to you anymore? I have consulted people I trust on the issue and the general consensus is that I have either scared them off, or they just aren't interested any more. I know I can be a bit full-on, can't they just say "hey, back off". Why just ignore me? I can tolerate alot of things in life, but to be ignored really gets my back up. When I am going through a crappy time I generally rely on people I think of highly to help lift me out of it. When I say lift me out of it, it is simply just hearing their voices that picks me up. They don't need to give platitudes, they don't have to give advice. Just having a normal conversation helps me to snap out of it.

I think I have done well. As a person who is susceptible to depression I have only had to seek professional help once this year. This year has been trying to say the least. I have had plenty of good stuff in there, and I tend to hold onto that. One thing that amazes me is when people run a mile if you are not all happy and cheery, if you are going through a tough time. Because it is then that true friends should stick by you. I have learnt alot this past year. I have found out who my true friends are. Unfortunately I have lost a few friends cause I haven't been my normal cheery self. That is something I cannot help. I am not one of those people who can hide their feelings. I remember someone once said to me "don't wear your heart of your sleeve". Well, no matter how much I have tried to hide it, I just can't do it. I'm what they call a wysiwyg - What you see is what you get. If I am down it shows not only in my body language, but in my voice. I had a friend call tonight. She said "you sound flat", I tried to say "no, I'm fine". But she saw straight through it. Without even seeing my eyes, she could pick it up, no matter how much I tried to pretend. She is worried, cause the last couple of times she has rung she has picked up on it, no matter how many times I deny it. I reassured her I would be fine, that I have so much happening at the moment, that next week off will be very therapeutic for me.

All I need to do is get my head around that fact that I am just not what the fellas of the world are looking for. They don't want a woman who is transperant, who shows her feelings, a woman who does not want to change anyone, a woman who just wants to feel desirable and wanted. A woman who doesn't expect lavish gifts, just the gift of being in someones company. I don't dolly myself up with loads of make-up, I am who I am, wrinkles and all. I have a big heart, and if that means that it gets it broken lots then so be it. I have a strong sense of values, and simply cannot tolerate dishonesty. If I need to change myself to land a fella, then I guess I am going to continue to be lonely for a very long time, cause I refuse to change who I am. Hmmmm, I guess this winter will be a hot-water-bottle winter, cause I don't think I will be sharing with anyone all too soon. While I might wish it, I honestly don't think it is going to happen.

Changes

2005-06-06T15:30:00.000+10:00

Today I am back at the workplace, and while relieved that I no longer have to deal with the population of people which were the ones who had me resign, I am revisiting why I so much dislike reception. The consistent interruption of the phone, the consistent traffice noise (I wonder why I never heard it so much previously), and the hunger of having to take lunch at 1pm as opposed to noon. Some may laugh, but as a person who feels hungry on overage every 2 hours, the long stretch from 6.45am breakfast to 1pm has raised the old issue of hunger pains and hunger headaches. Of course there is the temptation of the "chippie box", a little snack box that holds lots of yummy treats at only a $1.60. I can see that the chippie man will be making a nice little bonus from me! The problem is that I only like probably half of the stock. Once all the chips and chocolate are gone we are left with snacks that resemble chaff. While I do like my health food, these bits I am sure are dangerous to your health (if not you teeth while you are trying to bite into them).

The work environment is changing. We finally have a male in here. It has been nearly a year with an all female office, and surprisingly not a bitchy environment. I have yet to experience the "I don't wanna go". I am pleased that I only have a few more weeks. I have next week off, and I am planning on spending the time on me. I have no idea what I will do, and in fact I don't really care what I do. I will hopefully revisit that strange place called the gym. Now that I have found that it was not the gym that was making me lose weight, I can go back there and attempt to stop gravity from taking a hold. Well, that's the plan anyway. Once I drop the kids off at school I will probably go down to the water and just sit. I find the water so very therapeutic. The last couple of weeks have been a torrent of emotional to-ing and fro-ing. I need to just sit and be by myself to think, to soak in the therapeutic value of water. I am a fire sign (Leo). I am sure being near water soothes the fire that I have in my soul. That fire can often get me in trouble. But, that is me. For a long while I had no fire, so while it can get me in trouble, it is a good sign to me that I have that old passion back in my soul. Do people know how wonderful it is to feel a strong passion for life? Do they really appreciate every breath that they take, do they feel the oh so gentle breeze by the sea? I think alot of people don't. They lock themselves into a little cocoon and keep the fire dampened for fear of trouble. It is not always a bad fire, just an impatient and stuborn fire. Like I said to my old mate (with a wonderful chuckle), "you gotta get out there and take life in a big hold and just live it". When I fear that I am not doing that the fire inside berrates me, and that is when the impatient nature jumps out. I guess I have been waiting for various things to happen in life, and they just haven't been. On the whole I think I am very patient, maybe just intolerant of dawdling in life. Oh well, I will dawdle (in a good sense) down by the water next week and calm my soul. Then I will spoil myself, for I honestly can't remember when I last did that. I will cry the tears I need to, and emerge out of it feeling full of energy and zest for life - kinda like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon.

Oh no, there goes that phone again! Best get back to it. My replacement is struggling and needs my help. Oh well, best be off - no rest for the wicked.

Male Perspective

2005-06-05T17:23:00.000+10:00

Today I caught up with an old mate. He used to be my boss. I was his very first secretary/PA, and it was my first job as a secretary/PA. He got a shock cause I wouldn't make him a cuppa first thing in the morning. "You have a degree in chemical engineering, I am sure making a cuppa is not too hard for you!" Since then we have stayed friends. He figured I was the most intelligent and hard working PA he had met. He has just bought a new bike - a fancy Honda (looks kinda like a Harley in some respects). A mid-life crisis I think, but he is getting great therapeutic value out of it. He has his own business, travels 85% of the year, and works horrendous hours. So he has found it very therapeutic to just get out on the road. I am sure his wife finds it therapeutic too! A happy hubby is indeed a good hubby. She is an absolute darling. He was very lucky to find a wonderful lady. We are very few. Anyway, I haven't seen him for about 2 years, and a coffee by the waterfront was in order. We had 2 years to catch up one. And pretty much both of us have just been working hard. His children are grown, so he delights in hearing how mine are going. That the teen years are so far (touch wood) free from any dramas. He tells me it is my hard work that has made it like that, I tell him it is just luck, that it is subject to change at any time. We agree to disagree. He is also very interested in my dating woes. This person has seen the end of my marriage, my recovery, and now my attempts to "get back out there". Over the last 4 years he has laughed over my description of the duds I have come across. "What am I doing wrong?" is generally my question. He is a male, maybe he could give me some insight. He has known me for 10 or so years. He has never given me platitudes, he tells me how it is. It is those friends that you tend to ask advice from. You are prepared to hear the worst, cause you know they would give it. They think highly enough of you to be honest with you, no pulling punches as you might say.

This time he is a bit amused. Normally it is "that drop kick just isn't right for you. If he can't see what a dynamite package you are then it is his loss". This time it different. I have found a good one. I give him a general run down. My girlfriends don't understand, but maybe a male's perspective might help. From where I stand the interest just isn't there. When you have to text someone to get a reply from a previous text/invitation, then it just doesn't seem right. Is it just cause he is cautious? I am guessing he has been pretty badly hurt before? Is it because he is shy? Or am I just a lousy package? As much as I like this one, he is starting to make me feel very undesired. If he was "into me" (a phrase I have heard once), he would be hanging to ring, to hear my voice, and to answer text messages. Well, obviously he isn't, cause he isn't. I may be letting go of a good one, but I can't take this type of blank wall communication anymore.

My mates advice ....... "It isn't you that is letting go of a good one, cause if he was a good one he would have swept you up and made sure no-one else got you". Z, you are a sweetie. Were you 10 years younger, not married, and not so much of a workaholic we would have made a great pair. I guess you can be my 2nd Dad, although you are very different from my 1st Dad. This "good one" is a bit like my Dad, and that scares me a bit. And I will take you up on that offer for a ride into the hinterland on your new Honda. Thank you. I don't think I am letting go, cause I never had him. You can't make someone like you, you can't make someone want to talk to you. But you can stop them from making you feel less than you deserve, from making you feel undesirable. And that isn't from anything they have done, but more like something they haven't done. I know that it isn't intentional (at least I hope not). I see something in this person that I haven't found before. It is just a pity that he doesn't see it in me.

Parenting

2005-06-05T07:13:00.000+10:00

I am one of the most fortunate people in the world. I am a parent. I have 3 children all up, but have only had the privilege of actually parenting two. When we become parents we are given the greatest responsibility of all - to raise the future generation. If we mess it up we put the future of our society at risk. The weight of that responsbility is pretty huge. For the most part though, it is maybe the most rewarding thing that can happen to a human being. Over the years I have had to stand firm on all my parenting decisions. I have sacrificed a part of my life, but it is worth it. For the most part of 8 years I have done the work on my own. When most people have someone they can say to "can you please take care of that, I have a huge headache", I have had to suck it up and just get on with it. I would never say that I have done a fantastic job, but looking at my children I will admit to a huge sense of personal pride. I have 2 teenagers who pretty much have good heads on their shoulders. They stand strong in their values, and are not too swayed by peer pressure. They have an approach to life where they know that tough decisions need to be made every now and again, and I think they have the courage to stand up for their convictions. A very comforting thing to see when you children hit the teenage years.

I am big on communication. I talk to my children. If misbehaviour occurs, then we talk about it, reason it out, and agree on the consequences. Consequences. Hmmm, funny thing that. The consequence of me refusing to tolerate a bad marriage has been 8 years of hardship, of putting my life on hold. It has been worth it. I am one of those horrible parents who sing their children's praises. I am more than aware that they have the capacity to go off the rails, but I am very proud that they haven't. I have one child that is prepared to be a loner at school rather than tolerate others treating people badly. I have another who battled with a teacher for a year because the teacher detested children who challenged. They are definitely not comformists! Kind of like their mum a bit I think.

We have humour in our house. A typical conversation - "Mum I need a job". "Well go get one". "But you said I was too young". "So put a proposal in". "What?". "Convince me that you are old enough for a job, put a proposal in". "What? I'm not going to do a whole speech and powerpoint presentation!". "Then you obviously don't want a job bad enough". "But I do". "Well, you know what you have to do. If you want something bad enough, you gotta fight for it. Anything worthwhile is worth fighting for". "Why should I have to do that". "You want a job don't you?". "You're nuts mum!". "You think so? Hmmm, maybe, but I'm not the one who wants a job". "God why couldn't I get a normal mum? I want a refund. Is there somewhere we can go to trade mums in?". "Nope. You're stuck with me." "But mum, I want a job". "You know what you gotta do". "But that's unfair". "Don't mess with the master my baby. You want a job, convince me". It ended with a hug and a kiss and a "have a great day". I have no doubt she will put a proposal in. Not just yet, cause she thinks she is out manouvered, but I know how badly she wants a job. So she will do it, powerpoint presentation and all. It will be a formal sitdown affair, cause she will match me with the humour.

Despite all this, I have a concern on the peer pressures they will become subject too. The alcohol I think they will cope with. The smoking, well they hate me smoking so I am fairly confident that they won't be rushing to buy cigarettes too quickly. Drugs however I am not sure of. They know I am vehemently opposed to drugs. I have said to them many times "you can come home with tatoos, piercings, and multicoloured hair, it won't get a reaction from me. Your body, your pain. Although with coloured hair I might suggest blue, cause it matches your clothes better than green. But, you get involved in drugs and I will not be so complacent. They ruin your life." Maybe I shouldn't take that stance, cause if they are after shock value they know that is one way to get it from me. Whilst I never got involved in drugs, I was a victim of what it can do to your life. I was a significant person to someone who did do drugs, not the hard stuff, but the socially accepted form. No one can understand unless they too have been in a similar situation.

Anyway, I had heard about a film called "13". It is about a 13 year old girl who goes off the rails, and pretty much nearly destroys herself through drugs. It is graphic. I rang the video shop to see if I could hire the dvd out. It was out for the week. Later in the day we went down there so one of my darlings could apply for a job. They had a sale on, and lo and behold there it was, on sale for only $10. So I bought it (its one of those meant to be things). With the youngest away, my other daughter and I sat down to watch it. There were moments where I thought it was too graphic for them to watch it (they are 12 and 14, nearly 13 and 15). At the end the older one said "oh my god, I am never going to get into drugs". I am sure she felt disturbed by it all. But she knew it was based on a real story, not just an imagined one. And I am sure that it has enlightened her as to why I am so tough on the topic. She saw a family nearly destroyed in that movie. And for us, our little tight-knit group of 3, family is all we have. Now I have a dilema - do I let my 12/13 year old watch it? It is graphic, it is MA. Given that I take my parenting responsibility so seriously, do I let her watch it? Will the benefits outweight the negative of letting such a young child watch something so graphic. I think so. You see, often teenagers won't listen to what their parents say, cause parents are so old, what would they know. If it is backed up by a true story, then they tend to listen a bit more. I think I will be present, that way if it gets too much for her I can turn it off. I would much rather warn her than have to deal with the consequences if she does get into drugs. Consequences, I have taught them from an early age that they need to take the consequences to their behaviour. I am pretty big on playing by the rules. But maybe breaking one rule (letting her watch the movie), will prevent her from breaking even bigger rules and messing her life up. Once you destroy the brain cells from drugs, you don't always get them back.

Exits

2005-06-04T06:07:00.000+10:00

Yesterday was theoretically my last day at work. I had spent 3 days handing over my position, giving me a huge sense of relief. I no longer had to battle with those people anymore. In doing a handover, I realised how much I had learnt in the last 2 years. I realised how much of a speciality the position is. In 2 years (well close to 2 years, give or take a couple of months) I had honed my assessment and interview skills. I had learnt a whole new language, and had built a niche for myself in our little office. My replacement, who has plenty of years experience in the counselling arena, was struggling, and we had only briefly touched on what is involved in the job. The complexity of a government contract. It has layers and layers of tasks, all of which may or may not appear on any given day. In clearing out my desk, and my little corner, I had a sense of the stress gradually lifting. The reams and reams of procedures were simply handed over. Now my little corner looks incredibly bare.

I had no farewell lunch, no speeches about how much I will be missed, no thank you for being one of the more batty people within our little office. In terms of service within the physical office (not time in the industry) I am a long termer. There is only one other person who has occupied one space in the office for over 2 years. I feel she is entrenched in her little corner, just as much as I have been over the short time I have been there. The staff that I started with have all moved on. It is an industry where people move around, either office to office, or organisation to organisation. We deal with some of the more difficult people in society. Some of the people we deal with are great, they come in, the work hard at finding work. But the majority are simply going through the motions. They put little or no effort into their obligation, then get abusive when other people get jobs and they don't. "You guys did nothing for me", and others openly abuse you with language unfit. What they don't realise, despite me telling them, is that they are the ones who have to work hard at getting work. They have to want to, only then will they get success. I only have to see their faces for a few more weeks. Preparing for, and giving my handover has taken alot of time and energy. I have been unable to find my own job to go to. I do however have a safety net. The office over the next month will be a bit short staffed. Can I come in and be bit of a floater (to help my replacement be only half dazed from the magnitude of the job), fill-in while people will be away. Feeling a sense of loyalty to the people I work with (definitely not the company), I would not like to leave them stranded. I know what it is like there when we are down staff. The job itself is tough, let alone when you have to do another job to fill in. So I said yes. I have 3 more weeks of work in the next month. It is extra cash for me, and that is handy. I am not stressed about it because I have handed over my job, both physically with my desk contents, but also mentally. I am glad that I did not burn any bridges in my exit interview.

I didn't lie in the exit interview (which it now appears was conducted a month too early). My reasons for leaving are a lack of opportunities within the company. It was suggested to me when I initially started that they were excited to have me onboard as they were developing their psych services, and there is a future for me there. I gave both myself and the company 2 years to grow and develop. And while I certainly did grow and develop, the company had done nothing to expand one of their business branches which I believe has a future. I think I have been very patient, and I told them that. They asked me what could they do to keep me - simple I said. All they had to do was to come true on their sales pitch at my interview. If they offered me a job tomorrow as a Psychologist I would be quite happy to travel to the city each and every day. Of course I know they won't offer me that. I need to grow and develop, I get very frustrated at stagnation. I have absolutely no interest in the corporate ladder, I don't want that stress, nor the work hours that go with it. And will my comments at the exit interview make a difference? No. They go through the exit interview process because they have to. And I think they miss out on so much opportunity because of that. The only comment I did make that may get one or two thinking was on communication. A few months ago I put a proposal to them, how I could stay with the company and advance, at the same time helping to develop a business opportunity for them. They had not got back to me for over a month, that made me feel that they did not value me, that they did not want to keep me. By the time they did get back to me I had made my decision to go, and had handed in my resignation. They had a golden opportunity, but as I often say "you snooze, you lose". I am a very patient person, but even I have my limits. I wonder if I will find "that" job where I can grow, where I can realise my potential? Maybe I won't, maybe I will keep doing my "have to" jobs. My last have to job turned out to be very complex, and I have a wealth of knowledge I would otherwise not have obtained. So even have to jobs have a silver lining. I wonder what the next one will be?

What's Important

2005-06-03T20:29:00.000+10:00

What a week. I think I have taken the roller coaster ride of huge proportions. I am only just recovering from the legal ordeal that opened the week. Since that time I have witnessed some pretty incredible revelations from people closest to me. I have seen the calmest of the family totally lose the plot. I have seen the "born again hippy" express aggressive tendancies. And little sis is the one who is ready to fight to the death. I have found a spark of passion, albeit in a negative focus, but I have found something of justice to fight for. Initially I had a huge fire within me to ensure that my father's wishes were made a reality. Within a day or two I have changed that fire to doing what I can to minimise the damage to those I love.

We have big sister. Her radiotherapy is going ok. She spends most days on the lounge through exhaustion from her treatment. She is probably the most vocal at this point, guns blazing, ready to go. I fear that it is angry energy that is driving her, and given that it is of a negative form that concerns me. When undergoing treatment for cancer, one needs to try to stay positive as much as possible. Then we have big bro, who is always so very much in control, and very much the diplomat. To see him weaken just made me furious. The battle over a bit of paper, the battle over money, has affected a non-material breed of people so terribly. We are a gentle family, we have such a strong sense of morals and justice. Not the morals that the lousy politicians talk about, but the morals of honesty and integrity. We will fight for the underdog, we will ensure that justice is done, we refuse to put monetary and material possessions before people. My father's wishes were for the vile person to get no reward for his ill-treatment of his family and parents. It was also my father's wishes to take it only so far. And only today does it appear to make sense. Whilst he wanted him to receive no money, he did not want to see the down-fall of his other children. How much is a dollar worth. In the 70's a dollar could get you the hugest bag of lollies. Enough to make you sick and swear to never touch lollies again. It was 20 bottles collected and returned to the corner store for your 5c refund per bottle. And those 20 bottles would get you ....... the hugest bag of lollies ....... A dollar today will not even buy you a chocolate bar. Does that not say something about money? It is worth less and less as time goes by. And if it at the expense of people we love it is worth even less.

While I have been one of the family to say "lets fight this all the way" I find myself now saying "hang on, this is not worth it". Am I less of a person to cave early in the piece? I don't think so. I see the people I love suffer for the sake of fighting for dollars. It started out fighting for a principle, it has now beginning to become a fight for money. I know those that are fighting are doing so for the sake of a principle. But the price is too high. I stress over the emotional cost of it all. We have all suffered so much in the last year, it is wrong that it should keep going. We are trying to get through the "year of firsts". The first xmas we survived. The first ANZAC day we survived. There are still many firsts to come, can we gather the strength to get through them with all this negative stuff going on? Years ago when Mum passed away we all made a pact. A pact to stray true and stay strong. To support each other through the tough times. I am starting to sense a bit of a drift with the current fight. I wonder ..... is this fight weakening the pact. Isn't the offending party weakening the pact through their actions? Should we allow them to do that? No, and that is why I sense that we should draw it to a close. Lets stop them from weakening our bond.

The others would say I am caving. I am not. I have a sense of trying to protect those I love. In the big scheme of things I will never have riches, but I will have a family who I hold dear. While riches will easily fade, the ones I love will not, they will be there forever more (at least I hope so anyway). And I will remain fiercely protective of the ones I love. Come hell or high water, I refuse to allow the vile person win. If that means throwing a monetary sum his way, so be it. For the monetary sum is worthless, it doesn't even come close to what he sacrificed to get that amount. He may get the bank balance, but he will never get the pact, the strength of the bond that the rest of us have. He will never have a family like ours. He forewent that when he chose to injure the creators of that family. Two people of the most gentle and strong character that the world would ever have. I know who is the richest of us all.

Justice

2005-05-30T19:36:00.000+10:00

The Australian Oxford Dictionary defines justice as 1. just treatment, fairness and 2. legal procedings. For most of us we think that the two are one in the same. Today I experienced the second option, and definitely saw the first option thrown straight out the window. My father used to always say when you go to court you get the law not justice (maybe someone should let Oxford know this reality). Today, yet again, my father's wisdoms were shown. There is a contesting of his will. We all expected it, we all battened down the hatches for a fight. One we knew would be difficult, but as a family who hold a strong sense of values, we would be ready. I can whole heartedly say that I was not prepared for mediation. The road of battling a will, or battling to have the will stand, is a long one. It starts with one party applying to contest the will. There follows legal discussion to and fro, delays, tactics, affidavits, and eventually mediation. Mediation is the legal system's tactic in trying to prevent an issue from getting to the messy legal process of the Supreme Court. Often by the time mediation comes about the warring parties are so tired that they "settle". An agreement is made, albeit begrudgingly, and the parties go their separate ways. Today I experienced a four hour long mediation that had me feeling like I had run a marathon. Having previously been a distance runner (usually only to 10km), I don't think I have ever felt so exhausted. Usually after a race the endorphins are racing and you feel ten feet tall and bullet proof, even to the extent of being able to walk on a broken leg thinking it is nothing more than bit of a strain or pulled muscle.

What the contesting party forgot, or underestimated, was that my family do not "settle". There was plenty of discussion by the legal eagles on the commercial aspect of the procedings. There is nothing commercial about someones will. The purpose of a will is to distribute your hard earned money to those you chose. I can very much understand these exceptionally rich people who chose to leave their money to refuges or odd places. From my brief experience so far, I have made the decision to not leave money behind when I go. I will leave enough for the funeral, the rest will be distributed prior to my departure (with luck I will have some warning on that). What is the point of making a will if your wishes can be totally disregarded? You work hard all your life only to see the fruits of your labour not necessarily disposed of as desired. I look at my family. My parents had a horde of children, 8 in total. They worked so incredibly hard to ensure we all had a good education. I remember my mother working 2 jobs, not having a day off in over 2 years, working double shifts. Growing up I rarely saw my mother as she was at work. I never once begrudged this as I knew she was doing it to give us kids a good start in life. My father the same. He worked even with incredible hip pain for years. His hip replacement happened years after it should have. Whilst they did not shower us in all the latest toys, they gave us something so very much more special - a sense of values, of what is important in life. I never felt hard done by (not in my memory anyway). I see myself doing the same with my children. I guess I got an incredible sense of the responsbility of being a parent. It isn't to shower them with material possessions, but to shower them with values and education. It is with wonder that I see one of my siblings with not even a whiff of values or integrity. I have often said that I fail to believe he comes from the same gene pool, how could he. He became an abusive adult who pushed and abused his parents to the point that they could take no more in their old age. They had tolerated it for years. So when my father decides to disinherit him from the not-so-big estate, it is all thrown back and disregarded. It is viewed in a commercial context. Obviously the legal eagles don't know us all that well.

In mediation it is best to keep your cool. Don't get into slinging matches. However after 4 hours I had had enough. I informed participants that in all this commercial talk (if I hear commercial one more time I think I will scream!) something is forgotten or possibly over looked - this money is not ours, we have no "right" to it. It was Mum and Dad who worked hard for the money, it is Dad's money (as Mum had passed away prior to Dad, thus her estate transferred to him). It is Dad's wishes that should be in focus. Being one of the family members who is probably not as financially secure as my other siblings, I am not interested in the size of the cheque at the end. What I am about is seeing Dad's wishes happen. And if it takes me getting a bill to ensure his wishes are made true, then so be it. We are a family who don't care about the dollars, we care about principle and values, of fairness, and of justice. The majority of the participants agreed. Being party to this mediation by phone link I could not see the shaking of the legal eagles heads. We are prepared to received nothing to ensure that Dad's wishes are done. I am sure they think we are mad. They don't know us. They will though. I am sure we will be in close contact with them over the next 18 months (the estimated time for this to be over and done with). I hope they appreciate the holiday they will be able to take courtesy of this mad family. I hope they have a beer/wine/cocktail on that holiday in honour of this mad family. I would expect it would be one of quality, because it will be funded by a family strong in values and integrity. And whilst some may think we are mad, we will see justice happen. And if justice is seeing a legal eagle on a spiffy holiday, then so be it. As long as the contesting party is not rewarded for his abusive and vile behaviour.

Body Language

2005-05-29T17:22:00.000+10:00

Over this past weekend I have had plenty of time to think. Whilst normally this is a very positive thing, I found it frustrating. Have you every desparately needed to sleep, but your mind just doesn't shut down? To get to sleep you need to quieten the body down, reduce external stimuli, and relax. With the brain going a mile a minute you tend to toss and turn, therein keeping the body active and blood pumping, not an ideal situation for the snooze zone. I have found the blog a marvellous instrument to get the clutter out, thus enabling me to sleep a bit better. When I most needed to do a blog this weekend I was away from home, and so had to deal with the mind as I did before I discovered the therapy of the blog. Isn't it interesting how we quickly rely on things to help us out. And lo and behold it is an inanimate object! Right when I was going to reduce my contact with the non-human zone, I fall off the wagon before even a week has passed! I'll admit it, I am weak. I'll make you a deal, I'll stick with the blog (cause I'm not really communicating with another, I am venting), and I'll stick to my decision with interpersonal communication VIA inanimate objects. Maybe it was a resolution after all, and not a decision, given that I have not stuck to it. I hadn't planned it this way. I had a plan, and plans are good (generally speaking, although impulsive actions can be good too). A fair bit of my thoughts I had planned to express to a human, but as best plans often do, it just didn't pan out that way. Could it be because of a fear? Or is it just because the "right time" just didn't present itself. Either way, it doesn't really matter, cause the plan didn't eventuate, and the status quo remains. The plan was to read the body language, use it as a cue to communicate my thoughts. Body language ..... oh boy, didn't I get body language. Unfortunately not the type I know people would jump to conclusions with (that was not my inference, nor my plan. Get your mind out of the gutter!!!).

Having trained in an industry where it is not what is said that reveals so much but what is not said, or body language. I can usually pick out fibbers with their body language. Fibbers will shift their eyes, and even fidget. You have to be careful though. Eye contact is difficult cause in some cultures eye contact with people that are perceived as superior is actually quite rude and offensive. And if you catch a shy person eye contact is difficult. A person who is very guarded will also not offer eye contact as easily, cause as we all know the eyes are the window to the soul. Sitting postures, stances and arm positioning are the major indicators. The body language I encountered this weekend was not that which invited emotional discussion. Barriers were everywhere, and as I was not on my "turf" I chose to not discuss. When on my turf I am the boss, and I am full of confidence. In another's home I often let things pass, because it is their turf, and their territory. This could be fate intervening. Telling me to hold my horses, to be more patient. Patience however can be a difficult thing for me. I have been patient for many many years. I have had people lead me on for months, only to discover the charade they had played was so full of themselves, had intense disregard for my heart. So now I have a general rule of thumb, if I sense that I am being played as a "back-up", or being lead along as someone they can call on when they are bored, not only will they lose a friend, but they will never get the chance to apologise. I simply withdraw and cease all communication with that individual. Of course I have survived from each episode, but I no longer want to go down that road again. I don't want to waste my time on unrequited situations.

Now ..... all I have to do is see if the body language I received this weekend was one of guarded, or one of disinterest. My instinct says guarded. I 100% respect that. I am lucky I have had years to heal, others are not so lucky. And whilst I may "talk" alot on my blog, in real life I don't like to give too much of myself away. I am fairly easy going. I love food so much that I'm not fussed on what is served up in a meal, cause I know I'm gonna love it anyway! Movies or tv, I'm not particularly fussed (unless it has gore in it, I get queasy on that). I can generally find a good bit in any movie. Can anyone tell me if "Chocolat" is a chick flick, and can you ask a fella to watch it? It is not the best movie out, but the message behind it is great, and I think everyone should watch it so they stop playing the safe game and get out there and live. I have seen people take the cautious road, only to have their lives cut short too early. No one needs to have "I wish I had of ...." or "I should have ...." (I hate the word should) statements when their body fails them and they cannot grab whatever it is they desired. Life is very unpredictable, very precious, and very short and should not be wasted. Sure, we need to consider the rules, but not let life pass us by. I allowed one person many years ago rule my life, almost stole it. For that reason I am impatient, for that reason I never 100% trust people (except for a very few select friends), for that reason I now know that I will be cheating myself if I ever let anyone else steal anymore time from my wonderful but short life.

Inanimate Objects

2005-05-26T21:01:00.000+10:00

Have you ever had a day where you spend a large proportion speaking to inanimate objects? I had one of those today. Could it be that I am tired of trying to communicate with people, so I turn to things that won't throw attitude at me. Whilst hillarious to witness, I am sure I have people thinking I have finally lost the plot. "Not surprised" they would say. Well, I'm not surprised either. First there was the traffic lights that blight my trip to work. It is almost as quick to walk to work on some mornings. It can take me 15 minutes to drive a lowly 200 metres. I am surprised that it is isolated to just one section of the trip. I am sure I live within nearly 5km distance from work. So why does it take 1/2 an hour to get there. I have thought of alternative routes, however I am sure the other commuters have already done this and spend just as much time talking to cars, trucks and traffic lights. "Don't go into that lane you stupid truck" is a favourite. Not the driver, but the truck. The words simply slip out. At one stage I wondered if the other drivers who are talking their way to work are on speaker phone, or do they have the same frustrations and end up talking to inanimate objects. I think we feel better for getting it out, regardless of who or what it is directed at.

Then there was the computer at work. We live in an "instant" society. When trying to access a web-site for work, if it takes more than a split second we are giving the computer a good talking too. Then there is the phone that continually interupts our all important work. Not the receptionist, but the phone. Sometimes we even extend it to the walls we are trapped in. I know that being cooped up inside for work has a negative impact on me. I need to escape outside to feel the sun on a regular basis. The timing increases with the annoyance with inanimate objects. I know the stress levels of a day when I look at how many cigarettes I have had.

The final straw was talking to the mobile phone. Once again, not the human behind the communication issue, but the phone itself. Messages were received, and with joy I thought I would no longer be bannished to the communication via inanimate objects, but possibly actually have that damned object ring to hear a human voice. My hopes were dashed. No matter how often I pleaded or demanded for it to ring with the "call" tone, instead of the "message" tone, it did not listen to me. And it even stopped doing anything all together. In our technologically advanced society we receive more communication via inanimate objects. Has the art of human to human contact dissapated with our advancement? Possibly so. It is after all safe. We don't let on any emotion in an email, an instant message, or a text message. The world doesn't need to see what is behind the words.

Whilst my frustration with the earlier inanimate objects can be understood (we all have those), the last one is probably not as evident. I did receive the text, that is communication. But I did not get the real person behind it. In this way communications can be misread. There are 2 parts to communication, verbal and non-verbal. And within those parts there are also 2 parts, tone and timing. Often is not what is said, it is how it is said. "Go away" can be interpreted as pleading or angry. Without picking up the tone, we have no way of know how it is delivered. And with that, how to respond. In some respects not showing the emotion behind our words can be comforting. We are protected, we are safe from letting the world know where we are at. It is when messages are misinterpreted that things go astray, reasons can be mistaken for excuses. With reasons we understand, with excuses we are not so understanding, we even feel on the outter.

I have made a decision (not a resolution, cause they keep getting broken). I am going to limit my inanimate object interaction. For a considerable time now I have attempted to meet the dating scene through inanimate object interaction. Through the internet you can meet someone and keep them at a safe distance for as long as you like. You are in control of the situation. You only take it to a personal level if you feel the risk is worth it. Predominantly I have found little or no success. I made a decision that I would take my profile off the various sites I was registered with. It was costing, and success was limited. I had met one person who I have grown to like. We have spent a fair bit of time in the "safe" zone. Keeping inanimate objects to communicate as our protection. I think we are both very guarded of who we are. I might talk alot, but I generally don't give alot away in the process (well, I think so anyway). Eventually we moved to phone calls. A big scary place for us guarded people. It was nice though, to hear a voice. After a bit it moved to a final meeting. That was nice too. I had actually met someone who didn't constantly ask me "what are you thinking" when I was quiet. No pressure to be an outgoing person, ok to be who I am. He himself was quiet, I am guessing he too is guarded and may open up with time. But only open up as much as he wants to, cause there will be no pressure from me to be anyone else than who he is. Things were looking up. Had I been too hasty in giving up on the whole dating thing? Was I rash in thinking that I would stay on my own forever, and I should just get used to the idea? I don't think so. For as much as I thought things went well, I have been relegated back to inanimate object communication. And no matter how much I go crook at the phone, it ain't gonna ring. Was it cause I had indicated my liking for him. No huge declaration, but just a simple "I like you". I went from invitations to visit to reasons not to. And with inanimate communication I cannot pick up on the tone, the emotion behind the communication. I guess I'm just gonna have to get used to the idea that it isn't reciprocated. You can't make someone like you back. And I have no interest in making someone do something they don't want to. I certainly am not going to go crook at the phone anymore, and I am not going to sit by it (not that I have, except for tonight for a brief amount of time). I am glad I met them, cause I no longer think that all men are "shits". There are some good ones out there, and they aren't all taken. I know of at least one (although he could be taken for all I know, I could have missed the boat, frightened him away, or god knows what). I hope I am totally way off track, but until the whole human interaction happens I won't know. Assumptions are a terrible thing - a bit like inanimate communication. An assumption however is based on miscommunication. And inanimate objects are just the tool to provide that miscommunication. I wonder what the world would do if technology just stopped working. I think it would be in a pickle, cause it would have to go back to human communication. I think we have lost that, and that is a pity cause humans are just millions of times more important.

Birthdays

2005-05-21T07:48:00.000+10:00

June is sneaking up on me very quickly. June through to September is a busy month for my family in birthday terms. First off the mark is big sister. With so many siblings we don't tend to buy presents. But this year I am going to make an exception for big sister. She has had such a terrible year I feel a little gesture is in order. Then comes big brother, the patriach of the family now Dad has gone. Then the ex. While he isn't in my family he does belong to the girls. And in a never-ending effort to support them in a relationship with their father I find myself on the present journey. While my instinct is to get him something painful, that would not be fair to the girls. Then there is my darling daughter, and a friend who is like family. That is June. Then July comes. I know I have another brother, a nephew, and my baby in July. August! Wow, now that month has my already bad memory struggling. In the first week alone I have a neice, nephew and brother. Then I have a few weeks respite, enough to gather my energy for my big bash (40 this year!!), and another neice. Then on the first day of spring is Dad's. Often I feel guilty cause I know I miss a birthday or two in amongst it all. And often family who have birthdays outside of the winter months will be missed. With the family count in the 20's I am sure we all miss a date or two. We all know that it is not through lack of love, just difficulty in keeping up with all the birthdays. I have tried to keep calendars, but if you don't look at them, they don't help. I know when it comes to my birthday I don't get offended if someone in the family misses it. I hope it is the same with them.

Well, the shopping trip begins shortly. I will let the girls pick their father's present (if I picked it, it would be funny to me but not so to him!). My sister, I will know it when I see it. I have thoughts in my head, I just hope I can find it. I will also buy for our new addition to the family, another nephew. I have not been baby shopping for 4 years, since the arrival of my little grandson. The baby things are so tiny! I am sure I will have lots of fun. I don't particularly like shopping, I find the crowds annoying. But I will persevere and hopefully have a successful present picking day. I might even buy myself a pressie. Not sure what it will be, but I will know it when I see it.

My Family & Me

2005-05-20T19:50:00.000+10:00

As I sit here and await a family conference online I have the opportunity to "pen" some more thoughts. My attention is to family this night. Living so far away I regularly run through a mixture of feelings about being so far away. This last week we have had a new addition to the family. Coming from a big family you would think that a new addition would be just another one to the clan. I do, however, feel that rush of family love. If I am so devoted to family why do I live away? Practicality. Family, unlike friends, you cannot chose. And in the past I have had many separations from those I care about so deeply. You can't live with them and you can't live without them. Family are like a life force to me. They give me energy when I feel I have none. Yet at the same time they are so draining. The energy comes from feeling a sense of belonging. A sense that no matter how wacky I might be, I know when the chips are down they will be there for me. For so many years I lived with a man who constantly told me how weird I was, how I was not a normal woman, how I was different. He could not see the goldmine he had for a partner. Generally being different is a good thing in my books. But when those who you cared about told you that it wasn't a good thing to be different, eventually you began to believe it. You begin to doubt yourself. You even begin to think that your family also see you in that light, and they too think it is a negative thing.

Coming from a catholic background I carried alot of guilt for many years that my marriage unhappiness was my fault because I had not worked hard enough to make work. Little did I know that while I was battling to "fix it", those family members were quietly sitting back bamboozled as to why I was fighting a losing battle. Why did I stay? Why did I take it upon myself to try to stabilise something that began on rocky ground, that was doomed to failure regardless of my determined efforts? It was a combination of the "superwoman" stamp that has plagued me for many years, and the shear determination to not give up on someone I cared about. For all his faults I believed there was some goodness deep down. Coming from a family that can achieve anything they set their minds to had a fatal flaw. The inability to accept that somethings just can't be fixed. That no matter how much faith you had in something, if the essentials aren't there, then nothing can be done about it. I know I can achieve anything I set my mind to ...... except trying to fix something that just can't be fixed. The relief of the family when I broke the golden catholic rule - to walk out on a doomed relationship - continues to flow to this day. My life has certainly been a challenge from that day, but a challenge that is achieveable and survivable. Had I stayed where I was, I might not have survived. Physically I would have, but my essential being would have been lost. It was that loss that my family worried about for so many years. I guess "little sister" will always be a worry (isn't that the job of little sisters?). But some of that wonderful family know that while I am a worry, survival is my talent in life. I have survived many a challenge from my teen years, and while karma is still throwing those curve balls at me, I continue to survive.

It was interesting when recently I entered a very low point. Something I am not new to, I have suffered those situations on a regular basis since being brainwashed into thinking I was "not a normal woman". I had thought that my family had known, had seen since my return to the home state, that it was a battle common to me. Little did I know that they always thought I was a sparky little thing who laughed through anything and everything. They had not picked up on my excuses for not attending "get togethers" as a disguise for my blue/black periods. "I've got the flu", "I've got too much study to do (from a person who would tell an earthquake to wait if there was a family do)". When I was living within 5-10 minutes drive from them (Tas is such a small place!). When they had visited to see how I was going, the house was a mess, and I was simply lying on the bed/lounge. Then again I had told them I had the flu, so they would not have guessed. One dead giveaway though - when someone has the flu they sound as if they do ..... I didn't. I used to be pedantic about house work. I would vacuum every day - a grab at gaining control, when I was deeply under control. Now I am perfectly comfortable with letting the housework go. I have learnt that it is people that are important. The housework is going nowhere, whereas people can. Did you know that if I do my dusting the dust is back within 1/2 hour. So why stress over some particles! I can laugh about it now, but take me back 9 years ago and I would go back 1/2 hour later and dust again. Anyway (I am so off the track!!!), it is with amazement that when I admitted recently to my family that I have suffered depression (ooops, naughty word in today's perfect happy society) for many years there were gasps of amazement. Had they not guessed? Didn't they see the signs during my recent residential time so close to home? They hadn't. And suddenly the outpourings of concern were there. It reminded me of the time I took the courage to take control of my life again, my walking away from a disastrous marriage. No matter how many times I tried to reassure them that "this one isn't a bad one" they received the news as if it was the very first time. For them maybe it was. A realisation that while I held an exterior image of coping and "superwoman" ability, there is something just so much more insecure underneath.

To them depression (ooops I said it again) is a big scary thing. To me it is a fact of life, and each episode is guaged on the severity of the worst. I am very proud within myself that I haven't had a sever episode for over 2.5 years. I have had periods of feeling down, and one close to needing a "mental health" day, but nothing like the last biggy. When you count the stress factors I am actually doing exceptionally well. The last 12 mths have been challenging to say the least. I had to face the terminal diagnosis of my father, went down to freezing territory (a bad thing for me, research Seasonal Affective Disorder for more details) to care for him for 2 weeks (surviving on 3 hours sleep a night at best), had to say my good byes, then from a distance fight the medical authorities who believed he was "not sick enough" for hospital care (what part of terminal cancer, with secondaries, did they not understand!!!!). Then I faced his passing, all the while dealing with an ex with tanties, solo parenting, working full-time with the dead-shits of the world. If I don't mind saying myself, I congratulate myself for not having a major depressive episode!!!!

To put it all in perspective you need to understand my relationship with my father. I have always been a Daddy's little girl. He witnessed me suffering for 13 years under a controlling marriage to the point where my inner self was almost destroyed. I always thought he was a very devout catholic. When I finally got the courage to tell him I was leaving my husband, his reply was "finally, I thought that bastard was going to destroy you". It was then that I realised that having an affilliation to a particular religion did not mean that you totally supported their rules. My parents were my biggest strength. They supported me when their religion branded me as bad. They provided me with support in my darkest hours. I could call on them at any time. In future years my father filled the role of best friend. When my siblings had partners to bounce thing off, I had my dad to talk things through with. His passing removed a support person. I sometimes think that I should not have relied on him so much, now that he is gone who can I talk to? He understood the loneliness that can grip an adult. When Mum passed he was left alone in the daily routine. While they both had an independance, they were there for each other to bounce things off. Us humans are a species that is meant to have a partner to help us through the daily grind. A friend, an ally, a person who appreciated the person you were. From my past experiences it was lovely to have someone support who I was, as "weird" as I believed myself to be. I have thought of him alot lately. Of how I could ring whenever something concerned me. I could bounce off him about a person I had met, a person where silence was ok (almost like when I would visit and we didn't have to talk, it was ok just to sit and be with a person). I know he would be sitting back with the knowledge that I would cope and I would survive anything. He wouldn't offer advise, just listen. He would be wishing that I would find that "comfy slipper" person. It was he who showed me that a man can respect a woman for all that she is. He has given the men of the world a high standard to meet. Of accepting me, good with the bad. That if they accept me they will be treated like a king. Because I have suffered so many fools in the past, that the lucky fella who does snaffle me will be well cared for forever more, yet independence would be expected. Mind you, the lucky fella needs to love my sense of independence. He needs to let me do whatever I please, and in return I will spoil him til the cows come home and allow him the time to do his own things. I am sorry to all the fellas out there, you have a mighty force to compete with. My father loved the independence his wife had, even back in the 60's and 70's when women were supposed to be subservient. He treated her like the precious little flower that she was. He would quietly give her a hug while she was busily pottering around the kitchen. I would swap all the high flying romancing in the world for the "comfy slipper" scene they had going. I know it is there, I can feel it in my bones. That gut feeling creeps up on me. I don't know where, I don't know when. A wonderful friend recently said: "You so deserve to be swept off your feet". While that might be the case, I am not looking for the "sweep me off my feet". I would like a friend who can just be at ease with me, who doesn't expect me to cook for them, clean for them or being anything that I am not. I won't cook unless the mood takes me, I won't clean cause I believe people are more important. I will laugh when the mood takes me, and I won't when it doesn't. But most of all I will appreciate people for who they are. A person, no matter who they are, is who they are. And each person needs to be appreciated for who they are. They do not deserve to be controlled, to be changed, or not appreciated. If a person cannot appreciate another for who they are, then why spend time with that person?

My family - they, I think, appreciate who I am. They are many, they are still with me, and I am sure they have their own demons. The main thing is that we are united. I can't imagine what it would be like to be part of a small family. With all its ups and downs I love the mixture of people who are my siblings. It is one place I actually belong!

While I Was Sleeping

2005-05-17T16:43:00.000+10:00

Having slept the last day and a half away with a virus, I wonder what has happened in the world. A quick glance at the 4.30 news brings startling new updates ...... Kylie has cancer, a musician has been found wet and selectively mute (identity unknow), bomb threats at the Indonesian Embassy (Shapel Corby related). All this informative to some, however not extraordinary.

Kylie joins the many thousands of women who undergo treatment for breast cancer in Australia, and many more around the world. Having been touched personally by a sister's such diagnosis my heart goes out to her. It brings home our mortality. "Early detection" is probably the most positive news a woman can hear in such circumstances. Although it does not take away the unknown future. Even with early diagnosis the future can look grim. At best there is surgery to remove the offending growth, with a few months of radiotherapy to reduce the return of the disease. It is by no means an open and shut, "there you go, all gone" situation. Once diagnosed the chances of further growths remains strong in a womans mind. Vigilance is therefore required forever more. Radiotherapy (the lesser traumatic of treatments) in itself drains the person of energy throughout the treatment. The next level of diagnosis is surgery, radiotherapy and chemotherapy. This of course is worse than the previous treatment regime and takes longer to recover from. The worse case scenario is of course no hope whatsoever. I am fortunate that my sister had the first scenario presented to her. The surgery indeed was difficult, and the radiotherapy is very draining. She spends alot of time sleeping, but remains cheerful that this difficult road will be worth it, with no return of growths.

Her attitude to life has changed. Go back not so long ago and we had not spoken for 2 years. A bitter fallout, that seemed to never be resolved. It was only the common desire to care for our sick father that started the relationship on the road to recovery. I used to think she was so pig headed, and had absolutely no room in her mind for understanding. I was distressed by our fallout, but had to protect myself from her harsh judgement of me. The pig headedness I can understand. We come from a family of intense and passionate personalities. Her judgement of me I could not understand. We also come from a family with strong social consciousness, of battling for the underdog, of compassion. Now, she seems just different. No single words can be stated to support that statement, but I feel now I can ring and just chat (not about anything in particular, just chat). I am mindful though of her need to rest, so the phone calls are not as regular. I would hate to disturb her rest, knowing how much more she needs to rest while she is undergoing her treatment. But I know that I could ring her anytime. I am a person who feels deeply about family. Coming from a big family we certainly didn't have the material niceties my friends had, but we had each other. Material niceties come and go, and can be lost so easily, they do not provide comfort in times of need and do not help you get out of difficult situations. Material possessions don't provide happiness, and are not that comfy to cuddle. People however can light up your soul, can turn that giggle into a full-force laughing fit (which is very good for your health), and can give you that "warm and fuzzy" feeling in your heart. I think for a while there I thought my sister had gotten lost with her priorities, and now she has been forced to refocus and regain her priorities. I like having her back. It is nice and cheers my soul.

The rest of the news? I'm not sure on it all. The Indonesian court will bring down it's sentence soon, regardless of the bomb threats. We are not knowledgeable on their legal system, and who are we to tell them they have got it wrong. Have we heard all the facts? Probably not. The wet musician who does not talk? He is probably in a psychotic state trying to get away from this maddened world. Do I really need to know about it? Probably not. It is however all news, and people who run the television stations believe we should know. I am sure there is alot more news out there that never gets told. And it all happened while I was sleeping.

The week as it was

2005-05-13T21:46:00.000+10:00

Tonight I am having my ritual ...... a glass of wine or two to drown the stress or two of the week. Yet again I found myself raising my voice to another adult, treating them as a naughty little child. Why you ask. It is my job. They don't go to interviews, they don't turn up to compulsory interviews with their consultant until an hour after the given time, and it is my job to ensure this doesn't happen. When it does happen you try to reason with them. But, what happens when the person doesn't want to see reason? They don't listen. Has anyone out there felt the frustration of wanting to scream? I feel that one a daily basis. I can raise my voice, slam the phone down, rub my forehead, stamp my feet. If someone doesn't want to know, they don't want to know. It is with some comfort that this daily frustration is about to leave me. I have a replacement, my services are only required on a temporary basis. I can return to the caring, socially conscious lady I have been for many a year.

Tonight I am "chatting" with my fellow family members celebrating the arrival of another "little one" to the clan. In speaking to the maternal grandparents, he is apparantly a "good sized", on the paternal side however he is a "wee little lad". 6lb 3oz. OMG, I don't think there has been a bub so little since my birth (a lowly 6lb 1oz). Given that this one is number 15 of that generation (the one after mine), it is interesting that it has been 40 years to see such a "wee little one". I certainly hope he inherits the tenacity of us "wee little ones". The others, born around the 9-10lb mark have that extra start in life. Us "wee little ones" have learnt from day 1 to fight, and fight with all our strength to be heard in the world. In amongst all that fighting we are the best carers of the world. Why? Cause we know what it is like to have to fight just for the simple things. I hope the new precious "little one" in my life, albeit a nephew, does not have to fight like us other "little ones" in the clan. The little ones in the clan have had to fight for their survival. However, the little ones are the ones who seem to have the strength to battle through whatever challenge is placed in their path. His father, my brother, has waited many years for this day. He is the most patient of us all. A tall man (6' 4") he will surely protect his little man. And with so many guardians (his aunts and uncles), this little one will survive. After all he has our dear father's name. With the luck of the Irish, the protection of the clan, this little one can do nothing but survive. And if he should slip his very devoted and loving aunt will be there to pick up the pieces, to help him find that soul comforting space. While the rest of the clan will educate him on rules and structure, Aunty Maz will clue him in on the "other stuff" in life. The "stuff" like emotions (dirty word in modern society). Given he is born to hearing impaired parents it will be interesting on how much the little boy learns on communication. Granted, hearing impaired people have exceptional perception on non-verbal communication. Could the hearing population learn something - I think so.

All in all a new soul has entered our arena. Has he been here before? That we are yet to know. We will know when he starts talking to us. We will know when his behaviours show that he has a wisdom beyond ours. We will know when he starts to inadvertently come out with those "Hugh" phrases. Can a soul come back to watch over us, or do they stay in that space above us quietly guiding our destiny? I suspect that it is slowly happening, the warm and fuzzies that we feel with a familiar one, and I sense that the little boy is a special little soul, he is one of us "wee little ones". I will know more when I meet him, when I get to cradle him in my arms, when I can feel his soul warming us all. Til then my little man take care. Your Aunty Maz is here, and I somehow know we will meet soon.

Friendships

2005-05-11T19:46:00.000+10:00

Once again I find myself thinking on the topic of human relations. In an occupation where I deal with people from a broad sprectrum of society, I find ease in communicating with most, and with the odd few I feel the need to shake them into some sort of verbal activity (which I generally do suceed on doing without the use of violence). On a professional level I find I can reach many, and touch many. On a personal level I find myself floundering so severely I wonder how I ever found myself well placed for my professional talent - communicating. If I can do so well at work, why do I find so much difficulty in applying the same on a personal level? The only possible answer I can find is that familiar vulnerability. I have so much inside, yet feel I can't let it out to those closest? I feel very secure in knowing who I am, and what it is I want from the world. I acknowledge my downfalls, and attempt to mimalise their impact on others. I make all efforts to lead a good life, in the knowledge that karma will one day reward me. But what happens when we get impatient with karma? Does that turn the karmic energy negative because we are "not being nice"? My incredible tolerance over the years is losing strength. And when I have expressed that intolerance in waiting for good things to come (and graciously accepting that the not so good things happen for a reason) people tend to become in turn less tolerant with my words and with my company. With their expression of intolerance do I in turn withdraw? Generally speaking, yes.

For many years I have allowed people to express anything. I believe in letting people be people, of not judging and not trying to change a person. If I believe that I cannot sit comfortably with their value system, I generally end the friendship. When I see people who I would like to keep in my life I do my utmost to keep them. Sometimes I think I may come across as too keen. Is it wrong to want to keep "good" people in your life? Having come across so many "not so good" people, I guess I get excited at the thought of finding a "good one". I have had many years to think about the type of people I want in my life. I have absolutely no hesitation in identifying them. All that said and done, we never really know if they in turn think we are "a good one". Do they try to let me fade from their lives, but in my own security of judgement I do not allow that to happen? Possibly so. Wouldn't it be so nice if people could just come out and say "hey, we've known each other for a while and I really don't think our friendship will last the distance, so why don't we call it quits while we are ahead"? Wouldn't it be so nice to have people be honest? Instead people simply stop replying to those emails, texts or phone messages. "We must get together" is a favourite phrase they use. When really they have no intention of doing so. A friend and I are trying to "get together" with an old friend from way back. That "get together" is easily over a year old. Will it ever happen? Probably not. One friend I had some years ago at least had the decency to say to me "well, you've moved interstate, not like I'm going to see you again". Whilst it hurt at the time, retrospectively I think she was just being honest. She had closed the door as she figured I would never be back. Friendship over the phone just wasn't good enough for her, and shouldn't we respect that. When I did return she was not eager to rebuild the friendship, her partner had placed me in the "not worth it" category and without his support I guess it was in the "too hard" basket for her. Or did she simply decide I wasn't a person she wanted in my life? Possbily so. I have lost many a friend to partners.

When all of your friends are partnered life takes a different focus. You are essentially the third wheel no matter where you are. And, after many years alone, you express how lovely it would be to have that something extra to your life, they essentially whinge about how terrible it is being in a relationship. Interesting as most have not spend considerable time alone (outside of a relationship), and do not know how every now and again the intense lonliness for affectionate company can strike you socially inept. It is not the whirlwind romance (generally very off-putting), or the throws of passion that you miss. It is as simple as a brief but warm hug, or even just a gentle touch on the arm. It doesn't need to be enthrawling conversation as sometimes silence can be just as precious. It is simply the knowledge that someone else thinks you are pretty "cool", daggy jarmies and all! I watch my friends complain and simply smile gently and say "how lucky are you to have someone". They of course think I am a "desperate" as if I have only been alone overnight. I have certainly had plenty of years to be comfortable with my own company, and I appreciate those years as they allowed me to grow. I certainly hope their "terrible relationship woes" lead to those gentle touches, and those precious silences. I also hope they appreciate one day the "good ones" they have been able to find. I myself am close to giving up. I recently had a friend comment that her new man and her were like a "comfy pair of slippers" and had been since day one, as if they had known each other in a previous life. And for a change I had a friend who wasn't complaining, but appreciated her "comfy slipper" fella and the simple but gentle touches that were in her life. She is one of a few who have also spent many years alone. I think maybe she knows that void that can creep into a persons life. She does not think I am a desperate, and she certainly does not make me feel like the third wheel. Interesting. And we both agree that we indeed will be "keeping" each other as friends. Its just a pity that she lives on the other side of the world!

Communications

2005-05-09T18:42:00.000+10:00

Communication is a thing that often comes too late, despite all good intentions. On a day when communications were at the forefront, I often wonder if people speak their heart, or do they go through the motions as it is what is required when sitting in certain roles, cause the truth may rock the boat or be a little bit to confronting for some. Being a person who has a deep passion for the truth, I found myself going through the motions because it is what was required, an act that truly goes against my convictions and values. The job seeker who you have worked with over more than a year, the manager who speaks too late, the colleague who surely has the same sub-conscious rumblings. The job seeker - who clearly has a brain, and who himself is also playing the game, just enough to stay within the rules, hoping that his disguise is not blown. The manager - who could see the rumblings for many a period of time, but who possibly hoped they would fade, scrambling to recover what is already lost. The colleague - who I am sure wonders why they too don't have the courage to take the step to cease the charade we carry out to ensure our bread and butter survival. Or does the colleague actually believe that the "impossible" people we work with will eventually stop playing the game, and actually do something meaningful with their lives.

I have endured many sleepless nights recently, tossing and turning, frustrated at looking at the clock in the wee small hours of the morning only to once again wake before the dawn. Being a person who needs to vent to assist in releasing the swarming thoughts in my head, it is most frustrating as the world generally sleeps during these times. Don't be mistaken, I can only vent to a few select people I have let into my inner sanctum of self. Over the years I have learnt to be selective on who I reveal my inner thoughts to. However I feel perfectly at ease with the concept of the blog. Those who read my ramblings will not cross my personal path, they will not subject me to their judgement or scrutiny, so I guess this is safe territory. I am communicating with cyberspace, and I can be totally honest without that fear of judgement/scrutiny. It is this total honesty that allows me to be me. With so much deception required in my current (albeit for only a short time more) job, I feel a need to get back to the "real me".

Today I resigned. Many months of troubled thought went into the decision. I feel an absolute relief that I no longer will have to put a mask on when I enter the workplace. "Don't we all do that?" I hear people ask. In some respects we do, but it is a mask that protects our private selves. The mask required in my current position is that of pretending to assist people into the workforce, despite the full knowledge that they have no intention on working. They know enough to play the system, and happily live their lives with no work ethic. Being raised in a family where work is just what you do, along with being true to yourself and others in your life, I find these people frustrating. It is this frustration that has led to my final decision to not play the game anymore. I can now move more towards my desired goal (which has been 15 years in the making). It is helping those who want to be helped, not those I am told to help. They do not want my help, I should not try to force them to accept it.

The picture is not totally bleak. I have helped some people improve their lives. The difference is that these people wanted my help. I have shown many sole parents that they can improve their standard of living, and even helped some people with learning disabilities find a job when they never thought they ever would. To those people I thank them for allowing me to open the door to their new lives. To the difficult ones, just remember karma has a way of catching up with people. I hope in my dealings with the world that my karma is and will be good. I may slip up every now and again, but generally I think I lead a pretty decent life, challenging but on the whole good. And after my decision today I feel just that much better now that I do not have to live out a charade for the main part of the day. Will I now get a better nights sleep? I hope so. I could take a trip to a deserted pacific island with the bags under my eyes! While the thought of a lovely deserted holiday fills me with warmth, I think it is better to leave the bags under my eyes behind so I can truly enjoy the time away.

The road ahead of me is full of unknown surprises. With so many years of hard work striving towards my chosen field, I feel a sense that maybe fortune will smile on me soon. Either that or maybe I should have given up long ago. No way!!! Sorry, to give up is not me. When I have something in my heart that I know is true I stick with it. I may struggle every now and again, people may try to disuade me or prevent me, but I certainly do not give up. I know that life is going to start dishing out some "good stuff", I have earnt it. And when it does come, I will appreciate it oh so more.

Mothers Day

2005-05-08T06:25:00.000+10:00

This morning I am supposed to be in bed, waiting for my children to bring me breakfast. Given that they are teenagers, I could be waiting for a while. Instead my head is filled with the day ahead of me. For the greater part of our lives Mothers Day is filled with the joy of saying "thank you Mum". For some of us though, the day is filled with mixed emotions. The remembrance of the softness of her skin, the warmth of her embrace, and the words of wisdom that never seemed to fail. She was always there at the end of the phone line, always knew the next answer to a particular parenting question the fledgling parent was so needing to ask. "How do I deal with this? What do I do with this?". I guess her wisdom came from having her own children. She had 8, so she must have had some idea on the whole parenting deal. I often wonder how she did it. Growing up I noticed how calm she always seemed to be. How did she do it? How did she stay so calm with the mayhem of so many in the brood? I was always a Daddy's girl, but once I became a parent there was this instant bond and I guess reliance with "Mum".

Her passing literally took the wind out of my sails. On the flip side I was able to reignite that "Daddy's girl" relationship with my father, but by then it was on an adult level. I used to think I was so much like him, with a an intense passion inside for life and all that came with life in the modern day. I was a superwoman who could do anything. But now as time passes I realise just how much I am like Mum. The quiet pottering around in the background whenever I am lucky enough to have a family gathering. The quiet shaking of the shoulders when laughter is about to overcome me. The "you'll be fine" comment I use when my own children are having a tough decision to make. Has my fire dampened? Or did she have that very same fire inside, but learnt to keep in hidden from all but a select few? The mother I saw was obviously very different to the person she actually was. It makes me feel a bit sad to think that she had the same (or similar) pains in her heart. She was my mum and I have always stood fiercely protective of both my parents, so to think of her in pain is too much to bear.

Today as my children berrate me for getting up early, I will quietly tell them that having them in my life is so much more special than breakfast in bed. I will quietly remember the softness of my own mother's skin, and keep it inside. For my children want to celebrate me, not mourn the loss of Nanna. And I will thank every moment that I was fortunate to have the wonderful children I have, my precious little ones who will all to soon leave the nest and start their own journey in life. And most of all I will thank my own dear mother for being in my life for what seems such a brief but oh so rich time.

PS Every day is Mother's Day, we are on the job 24/7, and even when the brood depart the nest, we are still "Mum", and when we depart this life for our next we are still "Mum"

Thoughts

2005-05-07T21:47:00.000+10:00

Well, as a first time "blogger" it is hard to know where to start. I am assuming that the idea of a blog is that of a journal to clear the clutter of the soul. Isn't it funny how in today's society we all need to keep an appearance of togetherness and coping, yet there are few instances where people can vent their clutter. If people start talking about anything other than positive "nice" topics, society avoids them. So where do people go to vent the negative clutter that is a part of modern society? Western society has moved to an individualistic frame at an alarmingly fast rate, and many people are left in its wake. Are we missing something? I think so. The chats around the kitchen table were a support mechanism designed to help people clear the clutter in their soul. We now live in a society where parents are encouraged to work, keep house, raise the family, be involved in school activities. All the while maintaining a 20's figure, fabulous skin, and a bright sunny smile. And for those who are sole parents, you are also required to maintain your sanity in a very isolating environment where you fill the role of both parents on a daily basis.

Support, one would think, is gained through social contact. But for us solo parents who are working, this is generally minimal. And when the clutter is too much, few have time or the inclination to "sit around the kitchen table" to allow a vent or two. If it is positive then people make the time, however if it is tinged with sadness or frustration, platitudes are abundant. "You'll be right", "you are good at coping", "everything will turn out ok" are some of the more common. I have figured out that often these stem from the receiving persons uncomfort from dealing with difficult issues. For doesn't society tell us that we can cope not matter what, that life is great?

I would like to thank my friends who have stuck by me through my clutter ditching, who said it was ok to not be 100%, ok to say how desparately I miss my Dad, to hear me hope yet again the new fella would be a good one (after so many duds), who didn't tell me how mad I was for making a certain decision. You know who you are, thank you for being my "extended family". You truly are wonderful, and I am blessed to have you in my life.

Could we all learn something from our indigenous counterparts. Often you will find more than one branch of the family living under one roof. Conditions which western authorities may say are unhealthy. However, no child goes lonely, no person has too much clutter of the soul, and the extended family prevents people from feeling all alone in the world. While western society craves individual freedom and advancement, the indigenous people show us the power of people and family. Could it be their wisdom comes from the past struggles they have had just to obtain residency in their own land (they were considered livestock until the 70's)?